MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL!!!!

Hey Guys!!

As I've been saying, I'm starting a youtube channel in affiliation with my blog. Here's the link to the first video!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ng60Y8G2GIg

Please check it out and, if you like it, give it a thumbs up and subscribe! More videos to come!

ED.

On Eugenia Cooney.

Hey Guys,

So today I wanted to write a post on a pretty controversial and sensitive topic, but one I feel is very important to discuss for us here in this community. I want to start writing about current events within the Eating Disorder community as I feel it is essential to keep up with the latest events to get a full understanding of the reality of ED's in our world today. That said, I'm going to talk about Eugenia Cooney.

Before I begin, I'd like to express that I think Eugenia is great. This is in no way sending her hate, because I think she is a very kind person as far as it seems on her youtube. For those who do not know Eugenia, she is a very well-known you-tuber who is also extremely emaciated. I've been following Eugenia's story for quite some time now, and it seems to have worsened as of late. The purpose of this post is not to diagnose Eugenia, but for me to add my perspective to the growing conversation on the issue.

Yes, I personally believe that Eugenia has Anorexia. But I also have not seen her or spoken to her, and I do not know whether she may have a different medical illness. That's not the point, though. It's clear that she is malnourished and is not at a "healthy" weight just from looking at her. The frustration for me, and I'm sure for many others, lies in the fact that Eugenia will not offer ANY sort of explanation to her viewers about what is going on. Eugenia's stance is that everything is fine and that she thinks it's weird that people are sending her hate. But, Eugenia, you have decided to put yourself on the internet and moreover to put your body in front of the camera (and sometimes just in shorts and a tank top) for the world to see. It is harmful to do this and to not provide an explanation for your extremely skeletal figure.

Eugenia often says "I'm not trying to do anything wrong." That's not the point, Eugenia. You don't have to be trying, but in essence you are being harmful to your viewers by acting like everything is okay when it clearly isn't. Young girls are going to try and emulate you, because they look up to you, and when they hear you acting like everything is fine, they will think it is perfectly fine and healthy to look the way you do. You are not being a good example by not saying anything. If you have a medical condition other than an ED, then by now you should at least touch upon it. I disagree with others saying you should put your blood tests and medical charts online, because of course that is invasive. But to just touch upon it would really calm your viewers down and offer a clear insight, and I know you always say, Eugenia, that you want the conversation about this issue to die down.

For me, this isn't just about Eugenia, though. It's about girls like her. Girls on social media that are clearly skeletal but do not explain anything about what is going on. You can't decide to put your world on the internet and then leave one whole aspect of your life that is so obvious to your viewers out and then expect no one to say anything about it. Eugenia acting surprised about this is what gets on my nerves and I'm sure on many others nerves. At the end of the day, we just want to know Eugenia is getting help. We want her to be real. Especially if she says she is being honest in sharing her life with her viewers.

So before you guys go to Eugenia's profile and start writing comments about how she should eat a burger, remember the real issue here. Eugenia is sick, whether she admits it or not, whether from an ED or another medical illness. She needs to get help, and she needs to get real with herself and her viewers. Only Eugenia can decide to do this. But if she's not going to be real about it, we can, and we can talk about the real issues here. And it starts with awareness and being honest with one another, especially if we are putting our lives out there for the world to see. Spread positivity, awareness, and BE REAL.

ED.

On Attention.

Hey Guys,

Long time since I've posted, I know. As we know, it was summer, and while I did intend to keep up this blog throughout the summer, that just did not happen. But here I am again, and I am back to writing weekly posts for this blog which I love so much. I also did not forget about the videos. I was having a little trouble posting them, but I am going to give the videos another shot as I think they really will add a great personalized component to the blog.

Anyway, today's topic is going to be on "attention." I hear oftentimes people thinking that Eating Disorders are about the sufferers just trying to gain attention (from parents, loved ones, friends, etc). Very false, at least for many people. Yes, an outcome of Eating Disorders IS often extra attention as the person needs to be taken care of and given extra help and guidance. But it is not fair to generalize this idea that people with ED's have their disorders to get attention. This is like saying that ED's are a choice, which they are not. If people wanted attention, they could get crazy body piercings or tattoos, for example. Those things would be a conscious choice to gain attention. But, as we know, an ED is a biological, psychological and social disease that is ingrained in one's mind while they have it, and it is NOT a choice. Just like having any other health disease is not a choice.

Actually, oftentimes, sufferers of ED's do NOT want attention. Rather, they've lost faith in their worlds and they feel lost, and with their ED's they are retreating into themselves and hiding from their world (which they view as out of control and scary). They're not looking for people to run to them and force feed them, believe me. They really don't want anyone to know much about their illness at all because their illness is their secret weapon with which to fight their battles. They don't want others to know they have this thing, what they believe to be an ally, because then others will know their secret and they may try to take it away from them. That's part of being "sick" with the disorder.

I'm not saying that no one with ED's want attention. Some do. Some want to be taken care of, and that is a result of their ED. But that's just it. It's a result, not a cause. People do not just decide that they just want more attention so they will get an ED. They may restrict or diet for a while to gain attention, but they cannot develop a full blown ED out of a conscious choice to get other people to pay more attention to them. They may subconsciously want this attention, but the ED stems from a myriad of biopsychosocial issues, and if ONE of those happens to be wanting more attention, well this may occur when they develop the disorder. But this is not THE cause, or the sole reason one has an ED. It is just something that was on their radar of things they desired, and the ED happened to make that thing happen for them. In, of course, a very unhealthy way.

My advice is, the next time someone says "so-and-so just has an ED because they want attention," tell them that they should read up a little bit about the disorder because no one can chose to get an ED for attention. Let's spread awareness. Let's spread truth.

ED.

My First Video for my blog!

Hey Guys!

I wanted to start making a video component for my blog as I feel that it will make what I'm saying much more accessible and personable to the viewers.. you all! So please enjoy the video, and look forward to many more videos that I'll be making! I'm also going to start a youtube channel in correlation with my blog that will have the same videos uploaded to that, so please look it up at "edoneds" and subscribe!

My social media links are:

Insta: @emmadayledemar
FB Page: edoneds (Please give it a "like"!)
E-mail: emmaddemar@gmail.com

I'd love topic suggestions you have for the videos, so please feel free to e-mail them to me!

ED.

On: NEDA Website

Hey all!

Some exciting news! NEDA's website (National Eating Disorders Association) has a part about featured stories on hope and they've posted mine! Please feel free to check it out on the NEDA website at nationaleatingdisorders.org under "featured stories of hope." You can then search for my story under my name "Emma Demar."

ED

On Body Dismorphia.

For this post, I asked a friend what she would be interested in reading on this blog. I wondered what she wanted to know about ED's as someone who has never had one. She said she wanted to understand the concept of body dismorphia and how some people with an ED think that they are "fat," while others might not. She wondered if an ED was, for anyone suffering, something in your head or if it was more of a conscious choice to be thinner.

My answer to this begins with the fact that an ED, as I've said, is never a choice. It is a disease for anyone who develops one, and thus it is something that is in your head. It is not conscious. In terms of the body dismorphia component, not all people with an ED see something different in the mirror than what others see. Body dismorphia is exactly that- when you yourself see your body as different then it actually is in reality. While many sufferers from ED's do have body dismorphia, not all sufferers do. Many do understand what they actually look like. But an ED is not just about weight or about food or about what you look like anyway. It's about the underlying causes, so it really does not matter how you see yourself necessarily in terms of weight.

The body dismorphia, also, is not necessarily a CAUSE of an ED. It can be a result. Meaning, someone might develop an ED for the various reasons that one does, and then during the ED may start to feel that they just aren't thin enough because of those underlying causes. Control is one cause. They may feel out of control which can be one reason why they developed the ED, and then the effect of that is that while they are losing weight they may think that the process is not fast enough and they then feel out of control, thus causing them to experience body dismorphia as they SEE how they FEEL (out of control, or bigger than they are). The reflection in the mirror becomes a representation of how they see themselves on the inside, which is why they may see something that is not there.

Through recovery, as one becomes in touch with themselves again and regains the self-love that they need to have, the image that they see in the mirror starts to reflect that inner positivity. Their minds are more clear and concise as they are now feeding their body so they can better see what is accurately in front of them. Again, not everyone with an ED has body dismorphia. And an ED is never a choice. But recovery is. And I encourage anyone and everyone suffering to choose recovery.

ED.

On Finding Purpose.

An ED is often the result of one's need to find an overarching goal, or purpose, for one's life. A person who develops an ED may feel lost and confused about the greater meaning of life. They are often over-achievers and goal-oriented, and always want to be working towards something. Something concrete. The ED gives the person just that, a concrete goal in numbers.. the goal to lose as much weight as quickly as possible and to count calories and over-exercise and do whatever it may be to meet that goal. Suddenly, the person feels as though they have a purpose. Their purpose is to starve, to lose weight, to control their intake.

Part of recovery, then, becomes a process of redirecting. Oftentimes, people who develop ED's have high energy, and like I said, are always moving towards a goal. Thus, in recovery, the person needs to redirect their focus and goal from controlling their weight to positively controlling something else in their lives (i.e. applying for a job they really want, pursuing a hobby they are incredibly passionate about, etc). This redirection is extremely difficult, of course, because the person is so entrenched in their ED and that is all they know. To redirect that focus is to relearn everything they know about how they've organized their lives and coped with everything. Yet this refocusing is possible, and as time goes on, it gets easier and easier. The person learns new behaviors and can develop a newfound love in another aspect of their lives, other than weight control.

What the struggler of the ED needs to learn is to find purpose. Find ANOTHER purpose other than their ED, something that makes them want to live life to its very fullest (and not just passively on the sidelines). I believe that any strong treatment plan for someone struggling is to help the individual identify what it is in their life that they can refocus on, or a positive addition to their life that they can integrate and replace the ED with. When one recovers from an ED they don't know what to turn to. They feel empty. With a redirection and another huge goal for themselves, they will no longer feel that sense of confusion and unrest. They will have a beautiful landscape of goals ahead of them to work towards. That's the beauty of recovery.

ED.

On "Going Hungry"

As promised on instagram (if you don't already follow me, my handle is: @emmadayledemar), I'm going to be writing a reaction to the book "Going Hungry," edited by Kate Taylor. This book is comprised of a number of short vignettes by different authors about their own struggles with ED's, namely Anorexia but also Bulimia and Binge Eating Disorder. I'll start off by saying that I highly recommend this book to anyone who has underwent and recovered (or are still recovering from) an ED, to friends and family of a sufferer or just anyone who wants to learn more about the topic. 

Since the book is comprised of a bunch of different individual stories, you are able to see a variety of takes and perspectives on ED's from people who lived it. The author's were mostly women, but there were a few men, and they all ranged in backgrounds and ethnicities. although there were common threads throughout the book, each story was unique and shined a light on a different aspect of ED's. The idea is that there are a plethora of reasons that one can develop an ED, but at the same time, there are many common factors among people who develop the disorder. 

One of these common factors that was highlighted throughout the book was the idea of wanting to have a defined identity. Many people who develop an ED want to stand out from the crowd in a significant way, and thus they look towards something they can control that will guarantee they are different in some way.. I.e. starving themselves and losing a bunch of weight for an Anorexic. The underlying factor here is that the person feels lost in some sense, and they want something to hold on to, some form of solidarity. They want to know and feel that they have something that others do not or cannot have (like the fact that they have trained themselves to not need food.. An essential aspect of anyone's daily life). They are looking for something to make them feel unique and special, because somehow they've overlooked their other plethora of talents and successes and put that extra pressure on themselves to "achieve" even more (or controlling their weight, which they view as an achievement).

Another aspect of the book I loved was that not only did it discuss in depth how and why one might develop an ED, but what the experience of recovery is like. In other words, the book does a great job of showing that recovery can look different on any one person. For some, and for many, their brains recover at a faster rate than their bodies.. As in, they know intellectually that they want to get better and have done the ground work.. But they still have a very challenging time breaking their old habits and letting go of the behavioral aspects of the disorder (starving, over-exercising, whatever that may be). I think that the book does a wonderful job of providing a very realistic view of recovery. That recovery is a journey. That it doesn't happen overnight. That it may include various setbacks. 

But time and time again in the story, you can see that every author did recover and are here to tell their stories. And what an inspiration that is. If you haven't read this book and you are interested, definitely do. It's a page-turner for sure!

ED

On Identity.

Part of the reason why it is so difficult to recover from an eating disorder is because the disorder becomes a part of your identity. In fact, the disorder becomes you're whole identity and it is how you define yourself. For someone who has an ED, part of the reason they develop the disorder in the first place is because they are lost. They have lost themselves, they feel that they have no control, and they do not know which way to turn. They need something to grasp onto, they need something to define themselves by. They've experienced loss or abandonment or some sort of pain or uncertainty and they need clarity. They need a constant.

The ED becomes a best friend, but also a source of certainty. Again, another irony of ED's. Of course, ED's are extremely uncertain because they are putting you at a complete danger zone and are making you in fact lose control of your life. But the FEELING you are getting from the ED is that you have something that is constant. You have something in your back pocket that you can always turn to when times are tough. You have something that can fill any void. If you're in pain, you can starve. You can numb yourself.

Your identity becomes your ED slowly but surely. It's all you think about all day. You are defined by it because you had been searching for that thing that no one else could take away from you. That no one else can touch. No one else can fully understand. You feel special in an odd way because the ED makes you feel powerful. You feel like you have accomplished something by functioning on very little fuel, something not many can do.

You don't want anyone to take the ED away from you because it is YOURS. It is you, and without it, what are you? You've lived this lifestyle for however long and it is deeply ingrained into your being. Without it, you must find new ways to cope. Without it, you must find other sources of stability. Without it, you must find the strength within yourself to overcome difficult times without hurting yourself. Without the ED, you know it's going to be difficult work. Which is what makes it so challenging to recover.

Part of recovery from an ED is finding your identity again. It's re-learning who you are and what makes you unique and special. It's learning about your strengths and learning how to work with your weaknesses and not allow your weaknesses to work against you. It's being okay with not living in an area of extremes, or the starvation. It's being okay with taking care of yourself and actually being happy with it. It is finding yourself. Re-learning yourself. Learning self-love. Controlling your life in HEALTHY way.

ED.

On Treatment.

Only you can decide to recover. You're in charge of your recovery. These statements were probably the most valuable ones I learned throughout my own recovery. These statements can be scary but they are also incredibly empowering if you think about it. YOU can decide to recover and you are in charge of that process when it all comes down to it.

I learned through my stay in inpatient and also my outpatient treatment that no professional is going to automatically be able to make you recover. Yes, they can give you valuable information. They can help you work through the underlying causes that led to your disorder in the first place. They can give you food and make your weight increase on the scale. But even if your number is increasing and you know intellectually all the answers, you're only going to get better when you yourself are truly ready to do so.

These concepts are important for people entering treatment and also for their families. Treatment is great, of course, but it is just a step in the process.. in the long road to recovery. It is not the end all be all. Through my treatment, yes, I was forced to eat and I spoke about the underlying causes of my disorder and perhaps gained some clarity, but as soon as I got out I was left to my own devices again and since I was so accustomed to starvation.. I continued to do this until I was truly ready to overcome the illness. Thus, after I got out of inpatient, there was still about a year where I was in recovery. Treatment wasn't a magical, overnight solution. And it's important to know this and to have that realistic mentality so that you do not set yourself up for failure. Recovery is a long journey no matter what, as it should be. It takes a long time to get into an actual disorder (doesn't just happen overnight), so it's not going to just be a snap of the fingers to get out of it.

So yes, I do advocate for treatment if you are suffering. But I advocate for treatment when you are ready and have a realistic mindset that it is going to be a lot of work and a step in the process. Remember: only you can decide to recover. You're in charge of your recovery.

ED.

On Scales.

When you have an Eating Disorder, the scale is everything. The scale becomes your best friend and your worst enemy, dictating exactly how you're going to feel that day based on the number it displays. Since an Eating Disorder is often so much about control, the scale itself allows the person suffering to feel some sense of control because they can SEE their progress. They can SEE what they are controlling, or their weight.

For someone with an ED, the scale is usually a daily part of their life. It is oftentimes used multiple times a day. Sometimes, it's used a few times in a row, as though you don't fully trust the number you saw the first time. If the number increases or stays the same, your whole day is shot. You feel miserable, defeated, and like a complete failure. The ED voice screams in your ear that you messed up and that now you really cannot eat anything at all for as long as possible. If, however, you've lost weight, yes, there is some relief for the person. However, for ED it is never good enough. In fact, ED will see that number and say, "Okay, good! You made it this far, now lose more!" It's just a never-ending cycle.

I remember when I was suffering, the scale was an integral part to my daily routine. I'd weigh myself first thing in the morning to know where I was at, and then most often again at the end of the day. I never wanted to see the scale even at the same number. I only wanted to lose weight. I wasn't thinking logically about what I was doing or the fact that I should be gaining weight, not losing. That didn't even occur to me because ED's voice was always overpowering mine, telling me what it wanted me to hear. ED loved the scale, because the scale showed him whether I was doing a good job following his starvation plan for me. ED loved the scale because it controlled me, and that was all he wanted to do.

Since recovering from my ED, I have said good bye to any and all scales. I do not even remember the last time I've used the scale (only at doctor's appointments). Saying good bye to the scale is a very integral part to recovery, and one I encourage everyone to do who is suffering when they feel the time is right. It's such a relief to just let go of the numbers and that false sense of control by ED. It's such a relief to not have your day be dictated by a number on a scale. Recovery allows for such relief.

ED.

About The Author: Emma Demar.

Hi everyone!

Welcome to my blog! My name is Emma Demar, and yes, I have the same initials as "Eating Disorder," hence edoneds. I am currently pursuing my Masters in Clinical Social Work, and will receive my degree in May 2017. I eventually want to have a private practice and specialize as a therapist in Eating Disorders.

My passion and knowledge about Eating Disorders stems from the fact that I myself had and recovered from Anorexia Nervosa. I was diagnosed with the disorder at age sixteen, and battled with the illness for a couple of years before recovering between ages eighteen and nineteen. Throughout my battle, my treatment (both outpatient and inpatient), individual therapy and reading up and watching anything I could get my hands on about Eating Disorders, I've worked up my own base of knowledge on the topic. With this blog, I wish to spread valuable information and awareness on the topic. My mission is to be a voice of reality from someone who has first-hand battled and recovered from an Eating Disorder, to raise awareness about the the truths and myths surrounding ED's, to inspire those struggling to recover by offering my own advice on recovery, and to offer insights and support for family and friends of ED sufferers.

I welcome and encourage thoughts, questions or comments. My e-mail address is emmaddemar@gmail.com and my instagram (on which I promote my blog) is: @emmadayledemar. I also have a Facebook page for my blog which can be found by typing in "edoneds" to the FB search bar.

Thank you and please share with anyone who may be interested!

ED.

On An Average Day.

For someone struggling with an ED, an average day is just plain exhausting. Yes, exhausting would be a very accurate word to describe it. Picture having, from the very moment you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night (and even after that until you fall asleep) a constant voice in your mind overpowering all of your other thoughts tearing you down and ordering you to follow his strict rules. Everything is mapped out according to ED's plan. If you even think about disobeying his orders, he will berate you and make you feel like scum. He is constantly whispering in your ear even when you try to forget about him for a moment. He'll be there at the most inconvenient times, like when you're doing a presentation or taking a test at school. He'll be reminding you of what you ate and what you should therefore feel guilty about or telling you how much you need to restrict and/or exercise later. He'll be reminding you of any parts of your body he thinks are too "big" and that need to get smaller.

For someone struggling with an ED, they are there but they are not really there. You may be having a conversation with them and they may appear to be able to hold up the conversation, but all the while their minds are a record player with ED's voice and the ED thoughts. They are very smart people. But their mind is consumed by ED. They may have a vacant look in their eyes, as though they're gazing at something far away. At these times, ED is most certainly talking to them, voicing his thoughts and opinions loud and clear. It's frustrating and it's tragic but you're not even thinking about that because you are just at ED's disposal and you aren't even thinking for yourself anymore. Your thoughts have been replaced by his. You've lost yourself.

For someone struggling with an ED, they'll go to great lengths to hide their disorder from the world. Under sweatpants and baggy clothes they'll starve yet outwardly act as though they are "okay." They don't necessarily want to be helped because ED's telling them that if they stop listening to him that they will be failures. They think they're playing it safe by listening to ED because he makes them feel that they are winning if they are listening to him. Yet another irony of ED's. They are at great risk if they are listening to ED, but they think they are safe. They are manipulated to think they are safe. For someone struggling with an ED, they become the ED and the ED becomes them. That's an average day.

ED.

On Triggers.

If you are not studying addiction, or have never suffered from addiction yourself, you may not know about "triggers." Triggers, in my own words, are certain situations, people, or places that make you, for whatever reason, want to be active in your addiction. For example, a certain place may remind you of a time when you were once really struggling with your addiction, and so if you ever re-visit that place, you may find yourself with the overwhelming urge to go back to your illness, or to use your addictive behaviors.

In treatment for addiction, you address your triggers and understand exactly what they are. You aim to learn how to healthfully deal with these triggers when you come across them, which you are bound to do in your life. For me, there were definitely certain people and situations that were triggering to my illness when I was suffering. In my recovery, I learned to healthfully process these situations when I came across them and how to cope with them in a positive way rather than starving myself.

Often, triggers for those suffering from Eating Disorders may include people who are often talking about or trying to diet, people who seem to also be trying to lose a bunch of weight and are trying to compete with them, people who have criticized you in some way or threatened your self-esteem, and others. Situations that may be commonly be triggering for someone suffering with an ED may be events where they feel they will need to look their best, certain social situations, or difficult emotional situations. The ways in which one who has an ED copes with these situations is usually to numb themselves of any feeling whatsoever, which they acheive through using their ED behaviors (i.e. starving for Anorexics, purging for Bulimics, binging for over-eaters, etc).

That all said, it is very important for anyone recovering or trying to recover from an ED to identify what your triggers are. Make a list of these triggers and write about them each specifically. Write about why they trigger you, when they come up, how they make you feel, and what ways that you do cope with them currently. Then, write about how you could healthfully cope with these situations. Talking to a good friend or family member could be a positive coping skill, for example. Journaling is another very good coping skill. You just need to find what works for you.

For anyone who would like updates on my new posts, please "like" and follow my FB page for my blog: edoneds (just type it into the search bar and it will come up). Also, you can find me on instagram at: @emmadayledemar. I can be rewched by e-mail for comments or questions at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.

ED.

On Irony.

Throughout my struggle and my recovery from Anorexia, I realized that there were many ironies inherent in the disease. One of these ironies is that the disorder is often so much about control, and yet the person struggling ends up losing any and all control of their lives to the illness. For me, my eating disorder definitely had to do with control. I wanted to have control over one part of my life that I thought I could, or what food I was or wasn't putting into my mouth, when most other things in my life seemed out of control.

Eating Disorders commonly surface in the mid-teenage years, or so I've found. My struggle began around the time of my sixteenth birthday, and I have heard and read that this is a common age for the onset of the disorder, or somewhere between early to mid-adolescence (these days, there are an increasing number of cases which are starting even earlier). If you think about what is going on for a person around the time of early to mid-adolescence, you may be able to understand why many at this time may feel out of control of certain aspects of their lives. The pressures of high school and academics, getting into college and seeing where you fit in, and oftentimes cliques and social environments are all aspects of one's life that may be very stressful at that time. A young person at this time is expected to begin to form an opinion on where they want to study at a university, which is a decision that someone of that age may not feel capable of making yet.

We all have coping mechanisms. When times are stressful, or even when they aren't, humans have ways in which they navigate through life and organize themselves in their world (coping mechanisms). For some, these coping mechanisms are positive. For example, writing in a journal or taking a bath are positive coping mechanisms for relaxation when times are stressful. However, many people have maladaptive coping mechanisms that are negative as they have not yet learned or found it within themselves to learn the positive coping tools that would work for them.

An Eating Disorder is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. (Other examples of negative coping mechanisms would be drug and alcohol addiction, self-harm, etc). These maladaptive coping mechanisms are the ways in which the person seeks to order their life when they feel out of control or do not know not know how to healthfully deal with daily life. People with Eating Disorders are overcome with the urge to control their intake because it somehow makes them feel at ease. By controlling their intake, the individual feels they are somehow powerful because they are controlling something that no one else can take away from them: their diet.

The irony about this control, however, is that the person suffering ends up losing any and all control while they are ill. The ED voice completely takes over the person's mind and dictates all of their decisions. While the sufferer at the time may not realize that it is not their voice saying these things (since the ED voice acts as though he is your own voice and that he is your best friend), it really is completely a different force taking over their minds. Their own voice has been diminished. For example, during my disorder I could look in the mirror and SEE how thin I was. I KNEW in my right mind that I needed to eat or I would begin to face serious health problems. But my own voice had become so small in my own head as ED took up residence there that I could not even hear my own "right minded, Emma" thoughts anymore. All I could hear was ED who acted like he was me and had my best interests at heart. So, really, I was out of control. I thought I was powerful. I thought I had my whole coping strategy figured out, and I felt comfortable with it. That's what ED told me. ED had told me I was successful with him. But ED lies. In reality, when I thought I had control, ED really did. And once I recovered and let go of the illness and found new, healthy coping mechanisms is when I TRULY gained back control in a positive way of my life.

ED.

On Social Media.

I will start this post by saying this. I love a lot of what social media has to offer. For me, instagram is my preferred choice of social media. I use instagram as a way to express myself creatively via pictures and quotes that truly speak to me. To me, instagram is like an art project. It's fun. So, I'm not here to put down social media. At all. But what I'd like to do is speak about how eating disorders and dieting as a whole are portrayed through social media, and how people can truly get the wrong and unhealthy message about eating disorders through social media.

I have come across way too many instagram accounts and other social media websites and platforms with people glamorizing eating disorders. Seeing these things not only saddens me but also is very offensive to someone who actually once struggled with an ED. People who do not struggle with one do not understand the severity of it, because they have not lived it themselves. Therefore, they often inaccurately portray what it means to have one. Yes, skinny and dieting.. those things are glamorized in social media. They just are. And it's hard to ignore those things. It's when the dieting is taken to a whole  other level that it becomes an issue.

Thank goodness I did not know about these when I was struggling with an ED, but years later I found out that there are "pro-ana" sites where people who are struggling (or even those who are not) talk about eating disorder tips and strategies and try to encourage and inspire one another to keep up with their unhealthy habits and loose weight. It's terrifying. The fact that these sites are out there is just insane to me as they only perpetuate the problem. There should be more sites and media outlets where those struggling can go to receive positive encouragement for recovery. Sadly, those sites and platforms are few and far between.

The thing is.. when people are struggling, and so consumed with their disorder, they're not necessarily searching for recovery tips. In fact, their eating disorder is probably directing them straight towards the ED pro-ana sites so they can keep up with their illness. This is why I believe it is crucial to diminish these pro-ana sites once and for all. To add more sites that are positive and portray ED's as what they truly are.. gruesome and horrible illness's that are not glamorous in the slightest.

The biggest problem with the way ED's are portrayed on social media is that there is this inaccurate portrayal that they are wonderful. That you should want to have one. Not enough information is out there portraying ED's as they truly are.. a deadly illness which can wreak havoc on your body. The images that young girls can get their hands on of skin and bones Anorexic's is frightening. Yes, it's out there, but the least we can do is portray ED's for what they really are so the truth about them is out there. Let's spread knowledge and truth.

ED.

On Myths.

One of the most frustrating aspects in talking about ED's with those who are not familiar with them are myths. I have heard, time and time again, many myths surrounding ED's. Part of my blog will be to shed some insight and knowledge on these myths. The first myth I will tackle is the belief that an ED is a choice.

No one, and I repeat NO ONE can choose to have an ED. And ED is not a choice. It is an illness stemming often from some combination of bioloical, psychological and social factors. In other words, an ED manifests as a result of underlying issues- some of which are beyond a person's control. Regardless of the cause, though, an ED differs from going on a drastic diet. Someone cannot simply decide they want to loose a lot of weight and just develop an ED.

The ED differs from a diet because it is a voice inside of your head. The ED voice constantly demands you to starve. It tells you if you mess up on the food restriction, that you are a failure. You can't turn it off like you can with a diet. The ED is in control and not you. It is a constant, exhausting battle in your head: your voice vs. that of the ED. Even if you intellectually know in your right mind that you should eat, the ED's voice is stronger and it will tell you that starving is the only answer. The ED voice will tell you that if you just listen to him, that everything will be okay.

But you cannot choose to have the ED. The ED comes out of the woodwork without warning. It isn't logical. It isn't pleasant. It is anything but pleasant. The ED poses as your best friend with your best intetests at heart, but really its intentions are to harm you. And it will do anything in its power to do so.

So if ever you hear someone talking about wanting to have an ED, do yourself and them a favor. Tell them that an ED is NOT a choice. That an ED is NOT something you want to have. That an ED is an illness and if you don't have one, you shouldn't choose to either.

ED. (Emma Demar)