On Irony.

Throughout my struggle and my recovery from Anorexia, I realized that there were many ironies inherent in the disease. One of these ironies is that the disorder is often so much about control, and yet the person struggling ends up losing any and all control of their lives to the illness. For me, my eating disorder definitely had to do with control. I wanted to have control over one part of my life that I thought I could, or what food I was or wasn't putting into my mouth, when most other things in my life seemed out of control.

Eating Disorders commonly surface in the mid-teenage years, or so I've found. My struggle began around the time of my sixteenth birthday, and I have heard and read that this is a common age for the onset of the disorder, or somewhere between early to mid-adolescence (these days, there are an increasing number of cases which are starting even earlier). If you think about what is going on for a person around the time of early to mid-adolescence, you may be able to understand why many at this time may feel out of control of certain aspects of their lives. The pressures of high school and academics, getting into college and seeing where you fit in, and oftentimes cliques and social environments are all aspects of one's life that may be very stressful at that time. A young person at this time is expected to begin to form an opinion on where they want to study at a university, which is a decision that someone of that age may not feel capable of making yet.

We all have coping mechanisms. When times are stressful, or even when they aren't, humans have ways in which they navigate through life and organize themselves in their world (coping mechanisms). For some, these coping mechanisms are positive. For example, writing in a journal or taking a bath are positive coping mechanisms for relaxation when times are stressful. However, many people have maladaptive coping mechanisms that are negative as they have not yet learned or found it within themselves to learn the positive coping tools that would work for them.

An Eating Disorder is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. (Other examples of negative coping mechanisms would be drug and alcohol addiction, self-harm, etc). These maladaptive coping mechanisms are the ways in which the person seeks to order their life when they feel out of control or do not know not know how to healthfully deal with daily life. People with Eating Disorders are overcome with the urge to control their intake because it somehow makes them feel at ease. By controlling their intake, the individual feels they are somehow powerful because they are controlling something that no one else can take away from them: their diet.

The irony about this control, however, is that the person suffering ends up losing any and all control while they are ill. The ED voice completely takes over the person's mind and dictates all of their decisions. While the sufferer at the time may not realize that it is not their voice saying these things (since the ED voice acts as though he is your own voice and that he is your best friend), it really is completely a different force taking over their minds. Their own voice has been diminished. For example, during my disorder I could look in the mirror and SEE how thin I was. I KNEW in my right mind that I needed to eat or I would begin to face serious health problems. But my own voice had become so small in my own head as ED took up residence there that I could not even hear my own "right minded, Emma" thoughts anymore. All I could hear was ED who acted like he was me and had my best interests at heart. So, really, I was out of control. I thought I was powerful. I thought I had my whole coping strategy figured out, and I felt comfortable with it. That's what ED told me. ED had told me I was successful with him. But ED lies. In reality, when I thought I had control, ED really did. And once I recovered and let go of the illness and found new, healthy coping mechanisms is when I TRULY gained back control in a positive way of my life.

ED.