On Identity.

Part of the reason why it is so difficult to recover from an eating disorder is because the disorder becomes a part of your identity. In fact, the disorder becomes you're whole identity and it is how you define yourself. For someone who has an ED, part of the reason they develop the disorder in the first place is because they are lost. They have lost themselves, they feel that they have no control, and they do not know which way to turn. They need something to grasp onto, they need something to define themselves by. They've experienced loss or abandonment or some sort of pain or uncertainty and they need clarity. They need a constant.

The ED becomes a best friend, but also a source of certainty. Again, another irony of ED's. Of course, ED's are extremely uncertain because they are putting you at a complete danger zone and are making you in fact lose control of your life. But the FEELING you are getting from the ED is that you have something that is constant. You have something in your back pocket that you can always turn to when times are tough. You have something that can fill any void. If you're in pain, you can starve. You can numb yourself.

Your identity becomes your ED slowly but surely. It's all you think about all day. You are defined by it because you had been searching for that thing that no one else could take away from you. That no one else can touch. No one else can fully understand. You feel special in an odd way because the ED makes you feel powerful. You feel like you have accomplished something by functioning on very little fuel, something not many can do.

You don't want anyone to take the ED away from you because it is YOURS. It is you, and without it, what are you? You've lived this lifestyle for however long and it is deeply ingrained into your being. Without it, you must find new ways to cope. Without it, you must find other sources of stability. Without it, you must find the strength within yourself to overcome difficult times without hurting yourself. Without the ED, you know it's going to be difficult work. Which is what makes it so challenging to recover.

Part of recovery from an ED is finding your identity again. It's re-learning who you are and what makes you unique and special. It's learning about your strengths and learning how to work with your weaknesses and not allow your weaknesses to work against you. It's being okay with not living in an area of extremes, or the starvation. It's being okay with taking care of yourself and actually being happy with it. It is finding yourself. Re-learning yourself. Learning self-love. Controlling your life in HEALTHY way.

ED.