I am here today to talk to family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends (etc.) of those struggling with an Eating Disorder. (In my blog, I will be referring to an Eating Disorder as "ED" as is the term commonly used by professionals).
It is so tough to know how to communicate with a loved one who is struggling with an ED. What to say, how to say it, what do do, what not to do. Having an ED is a constant battle not only for the person struggling, but also for the people in their lives. Since the sufferer is completely consumed with the ED thoughts, it is not always his/her voice speaking with you but rather the voice of the ED and this is the first very important thing to recognize. While you may want to scream, shout and shake the person out of their habits, your efforts are most often in vain because they are not themselves. They are sick and you are battling with the voice in their head that is seeking to hurt the individual.
So, how do you communicate with the sufferer when so often you don't know what kind of state you are going to find them in at any given moment? Well, it's important to really try and understand as best you can the situation that your loved one is going through. It is not logical, it is an addiction, and there is so much you can learn about it to help you become more informed. Saying things like "just eat" or "snap out of it" are ways to show that you just don't know what you are talking about and it is not only unhelpful but may be triggering and detrimental to the sufferer. However, if you are informed, you may know for example that one of the most important things that the sufferer needs to feel is that he/she is loved and not alone. You can adjust your tone, then, when speaking to your loved one with soothing words (even if you are scared to death inside of loosing them). At the end of the day, no one thing you say is going to magically cure the person. In fact, no one can really truly save the person but themselves. You need to know this and you need to accept this.
Instead of battling with the person, then, be there for them. Be a shoulder to cry on. They may not want to and they may push you away in times of distress, but if you can show that you are not an enemy and that you really love and care for them, they may gradually let their guard down and receive your love. Let the professionals do their job of encouraging the sufferer to eat more, for example, instead of you taking on that role. Know that your job is solely to provide love and support, and also to make sure that you are not enabling the sufferer.
Enabling consists of behaviors that provide for the sufferer to keep doing their harmful behaviors. For example, talking about "good dieting tips" in front of an Anorexic person would be extremely enabling as this person will think that what they are doing is "okay." While you do not want to become the persons enemy, you do not on the other hand want to enable them. You want to strike a balance between being supportive but also letting the individual know what you believe is best for them and what is not, so they realize they have positive guidance in their life and someone who truly cares about them.
Family and friends: If you have any specific and further questions about this topic or any other topic relating to ED's, please feel free to write them here or to message me them privately at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.
ED.
