On "Going Hungry"

As promised on instagram (if you don't already follow me, my handle is: @emmadayledemar), I'm going to be writing a reaction to the book "Going Hungry," edited by Kate Taylor. This book is comprised of a number of short vignettes by different authors about their own struggles with ED's, namely Anorexia but also Bulimia and Binge Eating Disorder. I'll start off by saying that I highly recommend this book to anyone who has underwent and recovered (or are still recovering from) an ED, to friends and family of a sufferer or just anyone who wants to learn more about the topic. 

Since the book is comprised of a bunch of different individual stories, you are able to see a variety of takes and perspectives on ED's from people who lived it. The author's were mostly women, but there were a few men, and they all ranged in backgrounds and ethnicities. although there were common threads throughout the book, each story was unique and shined a light on a different aspect of ED's. The idea is that there are a plethora of reasons that one can develop an ED, but at the same time, there are many common factors among people who develop the disorder. 

One of these common factors that was highlighted throughout the book was the idea of wanting to have a defined identity. Many people who develop an ED want to stand out from the crowd in a significant way, and thus they look towards something they can control that will guarantee they are different in some way.. I.e. starving themselves and losing a bunch of weight for an Anorexic. The underlying factor here is that the person feels lost in some sense, and they want something to hold on to, some form of solidarity. They want to know and feel that they have something that others do not or cannot have (like the fact that they have trained themselves to not need food.. An essential aspect of anyone's daily life). They are looking for something to make them feel unique and special, because somehow they've overlooked their other plethora of talents and successes and put that extra pressure on themselves to "achieve" even more (or controlling their weight, which they view as an achievement).

Another aspect of the book I loved was that not only did it discuss in depth how and why one might develop an ED, but what the experience of recovery is like. In other words, the book does a great job of showing that recovery can look different on any one person. For some, and for many, their brains recover at a faster rate than their bodies.. As in, they know intellectually that they want to get better and have done the ground work.. But they still have a very challenging time breaking their old habits and letting go of the behavioral aspects of the disorder (starving, over-exercising, whatever that may be). I think that the book does a wonderful job of providing a very realistic view of recovery. That recovery is a journey. That it doesn't happen overnight. That it may include various setbacks. 

But time and time again in the story, you can see that every author did recover and are here to tell their stories. And what an inspiration that is. If you haven't read this book and you are interested, definitely do. It's a page-turner for sure!

ED

On Identity.

Part of the reason why it is so difficult to recover from an eating disorder is because the disorder becomes a part of your identity. In fact, the disorder becomes you're whole identity and it is how you define yourself. For someone who has an ED, part of the reason they develop the disorder in the first place is because they are lost. They have lost themselves, they feel that they have no control, and they do not know which way to turn. They need something to grasp onto, they need something to define themselves by. They've experienced loss or abandonment or some sort of pain or uncertainty and they need clarity. They need a constant.

The ED becomes a best friend, but also a source of certainty. Again, another irony of ED's. Of course, ED's are extremely uncertain because they are putting you at a complete danger zone and are making you in fact lose control of your life. But the FEELING you are getting from the ED is that you have something that is constant. You have something in your back pocket that you can always turn to when times are tough. You have something that can fill any void. If you're in pain, you can starve. You can numb yourself.

Your identity becomes your ED slowly but surely. It's all you think about all day. You are defined by it because you had been searching for that thing that no one else could take away from you. That no one else can touch. No one else can fully understand. You feel special in an odd way because the ED makes you feel powerful. You feel like you have accomplished something by functioning on very little fuel, something not many can do.

You don't want anyone to take the ED away from you because it is YOURS. It is you, and without it, what are you? You've lived this lifestyle for however long and it is deeply ingrained into your being. Without it, you must find new ways to cope. Without it, you must find other sources of stability. Without it, you must find the strength within yourself to overcome difficult times without hurting yourself. Without the ED, you know it's going to be difficult work. Which is what makes it so challenging to recover.

Part of recovery from an ED is finding your identity again. It's re-learning who you are and what makes you unique and special. It's learning about your strengths and learning how to work with your weaknesses and not allow your weaknesses to work against you. It's being okay with not living in an area of extremes, or the starvation. It's being okay with taking care of yourself and actually being happy with it. It is finding yourself. Re-learning yourself. Learning self-love. Controlling your life in HEALTHY way.

ED.