Hey Guys!
I'm really excited to post my first collab up here on my blog. I also want to announce my new instagram account, @ed_on_eds which is directly related to this blog. On this instagram, I post bits and pieces of my own recovery story, share motivational quotes and things that have helped me in my recovery process. Please feel free to follow and share with anyone interested.
So, onto the collab. I follow this lovely girl, Kristina, on instagram and she shared with me that she is in the recovery process for her ED. We decided to go a collab because she has a blog too, in which we each asked one another questions. Since I consider myself recovered and Kristina is earlier on in the recovery process, I asked her what it was like for her to be at her phase and she asked me what it was like now that I consider myself recovered.
Please feel free to check out my answers to Kristina's questions. Her blog can be found at her instagram, @kristinamessina. Below, here are Kristina's answers. Enjoy!
1.What do you find the most challenging part of recovery? The most rewarding?
I wish there was just one answer, but there are SO many rough parts that this would probably turn into an essay! I think one of the hardest things for me is keeping up my motivation. Motivation to recover can sway and I think everyone in recovery has experienced that. I have a tendency to wallow in it. I become stagnant in that half way zone, where I want to recover but also am comfortable where I am. Another challenging part is staying positive when sometimes all I see is the negative. Again, once I'm in that negative head space I sit in my own shit and think that it will just pass. Sometimes it does, but other times it doesn't. I've had to work in changing my mindset and combating each negative thought with a positive one. It's exhausting!
I think the best thing I have seen when I've been in really great places is just this overall sense of freedom. I feel like I did when I was a kid, not worried about what I'm eating or when or with who. I'm nourishing my body and that's it, food is just food. Also, I find my personality and relationships suffer when I'm deep within my eating disorder. So just seeing my true self come out and just having that overall human connection is so rewarding.
2. In a typical day, what type of eating disorder related thoughts do you have?
It really depends on the place that I'm in. I've been in that place where I have that overall sense of freedom that I was talking about, where I'm feeling pretty okay with life. I'll get a thought here and there but I don't spend my time focusing on it. I've also been in a place where I'm hesitant with the amount of food I'm eating and the eating disorder tells me that I need to lose weight, that I'm unworthy and a failure. Usually I'm more stressed out and feeling unable to cope with what life is throwing at me. It ranges every day to every week between those two places, I'm still actively telling myself that I am enough without this eating disorder.
3. What tactics do you use to try and suppress the ED urges?
A certain "thing" that has helped me tremendously is something so simple one of my wonderful therapists had brought to the table. I think the more simple, the easier it is to grasp onto and to go to more automatically. She told me each day to "find my why." One thing that day why I'm choosing recovery, usually I do more short term goals. Such as, "I have a lot to do today, I know if I use a behaviors I won't have the energy to do said thing." Or, sometimes I tell myself I don't want to feel like shit. This simple tool has just reminded me of the goals that I want to succeed at for myself.
4. What are you most proud of in your recovery?
Lately, it's been hard to be proud of myself since I have backslid recently. But looking back, I've come a long long way in the past year. I think I'm most proud of never giving up on trying to recover, despite many relapses and treatment. I'm very proud of myself for not using a behavior that I've used for 4+ years, even though I'm still working on the others. Also that I've been more vocal about eating disorders and my struggle with others, it has kept me accountable to strengthen my recovery.
5. What are your recovery goals?
I have a few, one being to continue being insightful with why I use behaviors but to stop them more frequently from happening. I find myself being knowledgeable of the why and when I use a behavior but I don't try and stop it beforehand, I wait for damage control to show up afterwards. Another one is to be less stubborn with accepting and feeling worthy of help, that's a tough one because I have a lot of core beliefs linked to that but I hope to change that. Lastly, to be honest with myself with where I'm at and not to be so hard on myself. I find that I don't give myself and credit for the work I've done and continue to do. Something my dietitian has told me, slips don't mean relapses. Just because you mess up, doesn't mean it will definitely turn into a relapse. You or I can stop it before it gets there.
I hope you enjoyed this collab, and if you are interested in collab-ing with me on a project, do feel free to reach out at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.
ED.
