On Irony.

Throughout my struggle and my recovery from Anorexia, I realized that there were many ironies inherent in the disease. One of these ironies is that the disorder is often so much about control, and yet the person struggling ends up losing any and all control of their lives to the illness. For me, my eating disorder definitely had to do with control. I wanted to have control over one part of my life that I thought I could, or what food I was or wasn't putting into my mouth, when most other things in my life seemed out of control.

Eating Disorders commonly surface in the mid-teenage years, or so I've found. My struggle began around the time of my sixteenth birthday, and I have heard and read that this is a common age for the onset of the disorder, or somewhere between early to mid-adolescence (these days, there are an increasing number of cases which are starting even earlier). If you think about what is going on for a person around the time of early to mid-adolescence, you may be able to understand why many at this time may feel out of control of certain aspects of their lives. The pressures of high school and academics, getting into college and seeing where you fit in, and oftentimes cliques and social environments are all aspects of one's life that may be very stressful at that time. A young person at this time is expected to begin to form an opinion on where they want to study at a university, which is a decision that someone of that age may not feel capable of making yet.

We all have coping mechanisms. When times are stressful, or even when they aren't, humans have ways in which they navigate through life and organize themselves in their world (coping mechanisms). For some, these coping mechanisms are positive. For example, writing in a journal or taking a bath are positive coping mechanisms for relaxation when times are stressful. However, many people have maladaptive coping mechanisms that are negative as they have not yet learned or found it within themselves to learn the positive coping tools that would work for them.

An Eating Disorder is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. (Other examples of negative coping mechanisms would be drug and alcohol addiction, self-harm, etc). These maladaptive coping mechanisms are the ways in which the person seeks to order their life when they feel out of control or do not know not know how to healthfully deal with daily life. People with Eating Disorders are overcome with the urge to control their intake because it somehow makes them feel at ease. By controlling their intake, the individual feels they are somehow powerful because they are controlling something that no one else can take away from them: their diet.

The irony about this control, however, is that the person suffering ends up losing any and all control while they are ill. The ED voice completely takes over the person's mind and dictates all of their decisions. While the sufferer at the time may not realize that it is not their voice saying these things (since the ED voice acts as though he is your own voice and that he is your best friend), it really is completely a different force taking over their minds. Their own voice has been diminished. For example, during my disorder I could look in the mirror and SEE how thin I was. I KNEW in my right mind that I needed to eat or I would begin to face serious health problems. But my own voice had become so small in my own head as ED took up residence there that I could not even hear my own "right minded, Emma" thoughts anymore. All I could hear was ED who acted like he was me and had my best interests at heart. So, really, I was out of control. I thought I was powerful. I thought I had my whole coping strategy figured out, and I felt comfortable with it. That's what ED told me. ED had told me I was successful with him. But ED lies. In reality, when I thought I had control, ED really did. And once I recovered and let go of the illness and found new, healthy coping mechanisms is when I TRULY gained back control in a positive way of my life.

ED.

On Social Media.

I will start this post by saying this. I love a lot of what social media has to offer. For me, instagram is my preferred choice of social media. I use instagram as a way to express myself creatively via pictures and quotes that truly speak to me. To me, instagram is like an art project. It's fun. So, I'm not here to put down social media. At all. But what I'd like to do is speak about how eating disorders and dieting as a whole are portrayed through social media, and how people can truly get the wrong and unhealthy message about eating disorders through social media.

I have come across way too many instagram accounts and other social media websites and platforms with people glamorizing eating disorders. Seeing these things not only saddens me but also is very offensive to someone who actually once struggled with an ED. People who do not struggle with one do not understand the severity of it, because they have not lived it themselves. Therefore, they often inaccurately portray what it means to have one. Yes, skinny and dieting.. those things are glamorized in social media. They just are. And it's hard to ignore those things. It's when the dieting is taken to a whole  other level that it becomes an issue.

Thank goodness I did not know about these when I was struggling with an ED, but years later I found out that there are "pro-ana" sites where people who are struggling (or even those who are not) talk about eating disorder tips and strategies and try to encourage and inspire one another to keep up with their unhealthy habits and loose weight. It's terrifying. The fact that these sites are out there is just insane to me as they only perpetuate the problem. There should be more sites and media outlets where those struggling can go to receive positive encouragement for recovery. Sadly, those sites and platforms are few and far between.

The thing is.. when people are struggling, and so consumed with their disorder, they're not necessarily searching for recovery tips. In fact, their eating disorder is probably directing them straight towards the ED pro-ana sites so they can keep up with their illness. This is why I believe it is crucial to diminish these pro-ana sites once and for all. To add more sites that are positive and portray ED's as what they truly are.. gruesome and horrible illness's that are not glamorous in the slightest.

The biggest problem with the way ED's are portrayed on social media is that there is this inaccurate portrayal that they are wonderful. That you should want to have one. Not enough information is out there portraying ED's as they truly are.. a deadly illness which can wreak havoc on your body. The images that young girls can get their hands on of skin and bones Anorexic's is frightening. Yes, it's out there, but the least we can do is portray ED's for what they really are so the truth about them is out there. Let's spread knowledge and truth.

ED.

On Myths.

One of the most frustrating aspects in talking about ED's with those who are not familiar with them are myths. I have heard, time and time again, many myths surrounding ED's. Part of my blog will be to shed some insight and knowledge on these myths. The first myth I will tackle is the belief that an ED is a choice.

No one, and I repeat NO ONE can choose to have an ED. And ED is not a choice. It is an illness stemming often from some combination of bioloical, psychological and social factors. In other words, an ED manifests as a result of underlying issues- some of which are beyond a person's control. Regardless of the cause, though, an ED differs from going on a drastic diet. Someone cannot simply decide they want to loose a lot of weight and just develop an ED.

The ED differs from a diet because it is a voice inside of your head. The ED voice constantly demands you to starve. It tells you if you mess up on the food restriction, that you are a failure. You can't turn it off like you can with a diet. The ED is in control and not you. It is a constant, exhausting battle in your head: your voice vs. that of the ED. Even if you intellectually know in your right mind that you should eat, the ED's voice is stronger and it will tell you that starving is the only answer. The ED voice will tell you that if you just listen to him, that everything will be okay.

But you cannot choose to have the ED. The ED comes out of the woodwork without warning. It isn't logical. It isn't pleasant. It is anything but pleasant. The ED poses as your best friend with your best intetests at heart, but really its intentions are to harm you. And it will do anything in its power to do so.

So if ever you hear someone talking about wanting to have an ED, do yourself and them a favor. Tell them that an ED is NOT a choice. That an ED is NOT something you want to have. That an ED is an illness and if you don't have one, you shouldn't choose to either.

ED. (Emma Demar)