When you have an Eating Disorder, the scale is everything. The scale becomes your best friend and your worst enemy, dictating exactly how you're going to feel that day based on the number it displays. Since an Eating Disorder is often so much about control, the scale itself allows the person suffering to feel some sense of control because they can SEE their progress. They can SEE what they are controlling, or their weight.
For someone with an ED, the scale is usually a daily part of their life. It is oftentimes used multiple times a day. Sometimes, it's used a few times in a row, as though you don't fully trust the number you saw the first time. If the number increases or stays the same, your whole day is shot. You feel miserable, defeated, and like a complete failure. The ED voice screams in your ear that you messed up and that now you really cannot eat anything at all for as long as possible. If, however, you've lost weight, yes, there is some relief for the person. However, for ED it is never good enough. In fact, ED will see that number and say, "Okay, good! You made it this far, now lose more!" It's just a never-ending cycle.
I remember when I was suffering, the scale was an integral part to my daily routine. I'd weigh myself first thing in the morning to know where I was at, and then most often again at the end of the day. I never wanted to see the scale even at the same number. I only wanted to lose weight. I wasn't thinking logically about what I was doing or the fact that I should be gaining weight, not losing. That didn't even occur to me because ED's voice was always overpowering mine, telling me what it wanted me to hear. ED loved the scale, because the scale showed him whether I was doing a good job following his starvation plan for me. ED loved the scale because it controlled me, and that was all he wanted to do.
Since recovering from my ED, I have said good bye to any and all scales. I do not even remember the last time I've used the scale (only at doctor's appointments). Saying good bye to the scale is a very integral part to recovery, and one I encourage everyone to do who is suffering when they feel the time is right. It's such a relief to just let go of the numbers and that false sense of control by ED. It's such a relief to not have your day be dictated by a number on a scale. Recovery allows for such relief.
ED.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
About The Author: Emma Demar.
Hi everyone!
Welcome to my blog! My name is Emma Demar, and yes, I have the same initials as "Eating Disorder," hence edoneds. I am currently pursuing my Masters in Clinical Social Work, and will receive my degree in May 2017. I eventually want to have a private practice and specialize as a therapist in Eating Disorders.
My passion and knowledge about Eating Disorders stems from the fact that I myself had and recovered from Anorexia Nervosa. I was diagnosed with the disorder at age sixteen, and battled with the illness for a couple of years before recovering between ages eighteen and nineteen. Throughout my battle, my treatment (both outpatient and inpatient), individual therapy and reading up and watching anything I could get my hands on about Eating Disorders, I've worked up my own base of knowledge on the topic. With this blog, I wish to spread valuable information and awareness on the topic. My mission is to be a voice of reality from someone who has first-hand battled and recovered from an Eating Disorder, to raise awareness about the the truths and myths surrounding ED's, to inspire those struggling to recover by offering my own advice on recovery, and to offer insights and support for family and friends of ED sufferers.
I welcome and encourage thoughts, questions or comments. My e-mail address is emmaddemar@gmail.com and my instagram (on which I promote my blog) is: @emmadayledemar. I also have a Facebook page for my blog which can be found by typing in "edoneds" to the FB search bar.
Thank you and please share with anyone who may be interested!
ED.
On An Average Day.
For someone struggling with an ED, an average day is just plain exhausting. Yes, exhausting would be a very accurate word to describe it. Picture having, from the very moment you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night (and even after that until you fall asleep) a constant voice in your mind overpowering all of your other thoughts tearing you down and ordering you to follow his strict rules. Everything is mapped out according to ED's plan. If you even think about disobeying his orders, he will berate you and make you feel like scum. He is constantly whispering in your ear even when you try to forget about him for a moment. He'll be there at the most inconvenient times, like when you're doing a presentation or taking a test at school. He'll be reminding you of what you ate and what you should therefore feel guilty about or telling you how much you need to restrict and/or exercise later. He'll be reminding you of any parts of your body he thinks are too "big" and that need to get smaller.
For someone struggling with an ED, they are there but they are not really there. You may be having a conversation with them and they may appear to be able to hold up the conversation, but all the while their minds are a record player with ED's voice and the ED thoughts. They are very smart people. But their mind is consumed by ED. They may have a vacant look in their eyes, as though they're gazing at something far away. At these times, ED is most certainly talking to them, voicing his thoughts and opinions loud and clear. It's frustrating and it's tragic but you're not even thinking about that because you are just at ED's disposal and you aren't even thinking for yourself anymore. Your thoughts have been replaced by his. You've lost yourself.
For someone struggling with an ED, they'll go to great lengths to hide their disorder from the world. Under sweatpants and baggy clothes they'll starve yet outwardly act as though they are "okay." They don't necessarily want to be helped because ED's telling them that if they stop listening to him that they will be failures. They think they're playing it safe by listening to ED because he makes them feel that they are winning if they are listening to him. Yet another irony of ED's. They are at great risk if they are listening to ED, but they think they are safe. They are manipulated to think they are safe. For someone struggling with an ED, they become the ED and the ED becomes them. That's an average day.
ED.
For someone struggling with an ED, they are there but they are not really there. You may be having a conversation with them and they may appear to be able to hold up the conversation, but all the while their minds are a record player with ED's voice and the ED thoughts. They are very smart people. But their mind is consumed by ED. They may have a vacant look in their eyes, as though they're gazing at something far away. At these times, ED is most certainly talking to them, voicing his thoughts and opinions loud and clear. It's frustrating and it's tragic but you're not even thinking about that because you are just at ED's disposal and you aren't even thinking for yourself anymore. Your thoughts have been replaced by his. You've lost yourself.
For someone struggling with an ED, they'll go to great lengths to hide their disorder from the world. Under sweatpants and baggy clothes they'll starve yet outwardly act as though they are "okay." They don't necessarily want to be helped because ED's telling them that if they stop listening to him that they will be failures. They think they're playing it safe by listening to ED because he makes them feel that they are winning if they are listening to him. Yet another irony of ED's. They are at great risk if they are listening to ED, but they think they are safe. They are manipulated to think they are safe. For someone struggling with an ED, they become the ED and the ED becomes them. That's an average day.
ED.
Monday, February 1, 2016
On Triggers.
If you are not studying addiction, or have never suffered from addiction yourself, you may not know about "triggers." Triggers, in my own words, are certain situations, people, or places that make you, for whatever reason, want to be active in your addiction. For example, a certain place may remind you of a time when you were once really struggling with your addiction, and so if you ever re-visit that place, you may find yourself with the overwhelming urge to go back to your illness, or to use your addictive behaviors.
In treatment for addiction, you address your triggers and understand exactly what they are. You aim to learn how to healthfully deal with these triggers when you come across them, which you are bound to do in your life. For me, there were definitely certain people and situations that were triggering to my illness when I was suffering. In my recovery, I learned to healthfully process these situations when I came across them and how to cope with them in a positive way rather than starving myself.
Often, triggers for those suffering from Eating Disorders may include people who are often talking about or trying to diet, people who seem to also be trying to lose a bunch of weight and are trying to compete with them, people who have criticized you in some way or threatened your self-esteem, and others. Situations that may be commonly be triggering for someone suffering with an ED may be events where they feel they will need to look their best, certain social situations, or difficult emotional situations. The ways in which one who has an ED copes with these situations is usually to numb themselves of any feeling whatsoever, which they acheive through using their ED behaviors (i.e. starving for Anorexics, purging for Bulimics, binging for over-eaters, etc).
That all said, it is very important for anyone recovering or trying to recover from an ED to identify what your triggers are. Make a list of these triggers and write about them each specifically. Write about why they trigger you, when they come up, how they make you feel, and what ways that you do cope with them currently. Then, write about how you could healthfully cope with these situations. Talking to a good friend or family member could be a positive coping skill, for example. Journaling is another very good coping skill. You just need to find what works for you.
For anyone who would like updates on my new posts, please "like" and follow my FB page for my blog: edoneds (just type it into the search bar and it will come up). Also, you can find me on instagram at: @emmadayledemar. I can be rewched by e-mail for comments or questions at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.
ED.
In treatment for addiction, you address your triggers and understand exactly what they are. You aim to learn how to healthfully deal with these triggers when you come across them, which you are bound to do in your life. For me, there were definitely certain people and situations that were triggering to my illness when I was suffering. In my recovery, I learned to healthfully process these situations when I came across them and how to cope with them in a positive way rather than starving myself.
Often, triggers for those suffering from Eating Disorders may include people who are often talking about or trying to diet, people who seem to also be trying to lose a bunch of weight and are trying to compete with them, people who have criticized you in some way or threatened your self-esteem, and others. Situations that may be commonly be triggering for someone suffering with an ED may be events where they feel they will need to look their best, certain social situations, or difficult emotional situations. The ways in which one who has an ED copes with these situations is usually to numb themselves of any feeling whatsoever, which they acheive through using their ED behaviors (i.e. starving for Anorexics, purging for Bulimics, binging for over-eaters, etc).
That all said, it is very important for anyone recovering or trying to recover from an ED to identify what your triggers are. Make a list of these triggers and write about them each specifically. Write about why they trigger you, when they come up, how they make you feel, and what ways that you do cope with them currently. Then, write about how you could healthfully cope with these situations. Talking to a good friend or family member could be a positive coping skill, for example. Journaling is another very good coping skill. You just need to find what works for you.
For anyone who would like updates on my new posts, please "like" and follow my FB page for my blog: edoneds (just type it into the search bar and it will come up). Also, you can find me on instagram at: @emmadayledemar. I can be rewched by e-mail for comments or questions at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.
ED.
Monday, January 25, 2016
On Irony.
Throughout my struggle and my recovery from Anorexia, I realized that there were many ironies inherent in the disease. One of these ironies is that the disorder is often so much about control, and yet the person struggling ends up losing any and all control of their lives to the illness. For me, my eating disorder definitely had to do with control. I wanted to have control over one part of my life that I thought I could, or what food I was or wasn't putting into my mouth, when most other things in my life seemed out of control.
Eating Disorders commonly surface in the mid-teenage years, or so I've found. My struggle began around the time of my sixteenth birthday, and I have heard and read that this is a common age for the onset of the disorder, or somewhere between early to mid-adolescence (these days, there are an increasing number of cases which are starting even earlier). If you think about what is going on for a person around the time of early to mid-adolescence, you may be able to understand why many at this time may feel out of control of certain aspects of their lives. The pressures of high school and academics, getting into college and seeing where you fit in, and oftentimes cliques and social environments are all aspects of one's life that may be very stressful at that time. A young person at this time is expected to begin to form an opinion on where they want to study at a university, which is a decision that someone of that age may not feel capable of making yet.
We all have coping mechanisms. When times are stressful, or even when they aren't, humans have ways in which they navigate through life and organize themselves in their world (coping mechanisms). For some, these coping mechanisms are positive. For example, writing in a journal or taking a bath are positive coping mechanisms for relaxation when times are stressful. However, many people have maladaptive coping mechanisms that are negative as they have not yet learned or found it within themselves to learn the positive coping tools that would work for them.
An Eating Disorder is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. (Other examples of negative coping mechanisms would be drug and alcohol addiction, self-harm, etc). These maladaptive coping mechanisms are the ways in which the person seeks to order their life when they feel out of control or do not know not know how to healthfully deal with daily life. People with Eating Disorders are overcome with the urge to control their intake because it somehow makes them feel at ease. By controlling their intake, the individual feels they are somehow powerful because they are controlling something that no one else can take away from them: their diet.
The irony about this control, however, is that the person suffering ends up losing any and all control while they are ill. The ED voice completely takes over the person's mind and dictates all of their decisions. While the sufferer at the time may not realize that it is not their voice saying these things (since the ED voice acts as though he is your own voice and that he is your best friend), it really is completely a different force taking over their minds. Their own voice has been diminished. For example, during my disorder I could look in the mirror and SEE how thin I was. I KNEW in my right mind that I needed to eat or I would begin to face serious health problems. But my own voice had become so small in my own head as ED took up residence there that I could not even hear my own "right minded, Emma" thoughts anymore. All I could hear was ED who acted like he was me and had my best interests at heart. So, really, I was out of control. I thought I was powerful. I thought I had my whole coping strategy figured out, and I felt comfortable with it. That's what ED told me. ED had told me I was successful with him. But ED lies. In reality, when I thought I had control, ED really did. And once I recovered and let go of the illness and found new, healthy coping mechanisms is when I TRULY gained back control in a positive way of my life.
ED.
Eating Disorders commonly surface in the mid-teenage years, or so I've found. My struggle began around the time of my sixteenth birthday, and I have heard and read that this is a common age for the onset of the disorder, or somewhere between early to mid-adolescence (these days, there are an increasing number of cases which are starting even earlier). If you think about what is going on for a person around the time of early to mid-adolescence, you may be able to understand why many at this time may feel out of control of certain aspects of their lives. The pressures of high school and academics, getting into college and seeing where you fit in, and oftentimes cliques and social environments are all aspects of one's life that may be very stressful at that time. A young person at this time is expected to begin to form an opinion on where they want to study at a university, which is a decision that someone of that age may not feel capable of making yet.
We all have coping mechanisms. When times are stressful, or even when they aren't, humans have ways in which they navigate through life and organize themselves in their world (coping mechanisms). For some, these coping mechanisms are positive. For example, writing in a journal or taking a bath are positive coping mechanisms for relaxation when times are stressful. However, many people have maladaptive coping mechanisms that are negative as they have not yet learned or found it within themselves to learn the positive coping tools that would work for them.
An Eating Disorder is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. (Other examples of negative coping mechanisms would be drug and alcohol addiction, self-harm, etc). These maladaptive coping mechanisms are the ways in which the person seeks to order their life when they feel out of control or do not know not know how to healthfully deal with daily life. People with Eating Disorders are overcome with the urge to control their intake because it somehow makes them feel at ease. By controlling their intake, the individual feels they are somehow powerful because they are controlling something that no one else can take away from them: their diet.
The irony about this control, however, is that the person suffering ends up losing any and all control while they are ill. The ED voice completely takes over the person's mind and dictates all of their decisions. While the sufferer at the time may not realize that it is not their voice saying these things (since the ED voice acts as though he is your own voice and that he is your best friend), it really is completely a different force taking over their minds. Their own voice has been diminished. For example, during my disorder I could look in the mirror and SEE how thin I was. I KNEW in my right mind that I needed to eat or I would begin to face serious health problems. But my own voice had become so small in my own head as ED took up residence there that I could not even hear my own "right minded, Emma" thoughts anymore. All I could hear was ED who acted like he was me and had my best interests at heart. So, really, I was out of control. I thought I was powerful. I thought I had my whole coping strategy figured out, and I felt comfortable with it. That's what ED told me. ED had told me I was successful with him. But ED lies. In reality, when I thought I had control, ED really did. And once I recovered and let go of the illness and found new, healthy coping mechanisms is when I TRULY gained back control in a positive way of my life.
ED.
Monday, January 18, 2016
On Social Media.
I will start this post by saying this. I love a lot of what social media has to offer. For me, instagram is my preferred choice of social media. I use instagram as a way to express myself creatively via pictures and quotes that truly speak to me. To me, instagram is like an art project. It's fun. So, I'm not here to put down social media. At all. But what I'd like to do is speak about how eating disorders and dieting as a whole are portrayed through social media, and how people can truly get the wrong and unhealthy message about eating disorders through social media.
I have come across way too many instagram accounts and other social media websites and platforms with people glamorizing eating disorders. Seeing these things not only saddens me but also is very offensive to someone who actually once struggled with an ED. People who do not struggle with one do not understand the severity of it, because they have not lived it themselves. Therefore, they often inaccurately portray what it means to have one. Yes, skinny and dieting.. those things are glamorized in social media. They just are. And it's hard to ignore those things. It's when the dieting is taken to a whole other level that it becomes an issue.
Thank goodness I did not know about these when I was struggling with an ED, but years later I found out that there are "pro-ana" sites where people who are struggling (or even those who are not) talk about eating disorder tips and strategies and try to encourage and inspire one another to keep up with their unhealthy habits and loose weight. It's terrifying. The fact that these sites are out there is just insane to me as they only perpetuate the problem. There should be more sites and media outlets where those struggling can go to receive positive encouragement for recovery. Sadly, those sites and platforms are few and far between.
The thing is.. when people are struggling, and so consumed with their disorder, they're not necessarily searching for recovery tips. In fact, their eating disorder is probably directing them straight towards the ED pro-ana sites so they can keep up with their illness. This is why I believe it is crucial to diminish these pro-ana sites once and for all. To add more sites that are positive and portray ED's as what they truly are.. gruesome and horrible illness's that are not glamorous in the slightest.
The biggest problem with the way ED's are portrayed on social media is that there is this inaccurate portrayal that they are wonderful. That you should want to have one. Not enough information is out there portraying ED's as they truly are.. a deadly illness which can wreak havoc on your body. The images that young girls can get their hands on of skin and bones Anorexic's is frightening. Yes, it's out there, but the least we can do is portray ED's for what they really are so the truth about them is out there. Let's spread knowledge and truth.
ED.
I have come across way too many instagram accounts and other social media websites and platforms with people glamorizing eating disorders. Seeing these things not only saddens me but also is very offensive to someone who actually once struggled with an ED. People who do not struggle with one do not understand the severity of it, because they have not lived it themselves. Therefore, they often inaccurately portray what it means to have one. Yes, skinny and dieting.. those things are glamorized in social media. They just are. And it's hard to ignore those things. It's when the dieting is taken to a whole other level that it becomes an issue.
Thank goodness I did not know about these when I was struggling with an ED, but years later I found out that there are "pro-ana" sites where people who are struggling (or even those who are not) talk about eating disorder tips and strategies and try to encourage and inspire one another to keep up with their unhealthy habits and loose weight. It's terrifying. The fact that these sites are out there is just insane to me as they only perpetuate the problem. There should be more sites and media outlets where those struggling can go to receive positive encouragement for recovery. Sadly, those sites and platforms are few and far between.
The thing is.. when people are struggling, and so consumed with their disorder, they're not necessarily searching for recovery tips. In fact, their eating disorder is probably directing them straight towards the ED pro-ana sites so they can keep up with their illness. This is why I believe it is crucial to diminish these pro-ana sites once and for all. To add more sites that are positive and portray ED's as what they truly are.. gruesome and horrible illness's that are not glamorous in the slightest.
The biggest problem with the way ED's are portrayed on social media is that there is this inaccurate portrayal that they are wonderful. That you should want to have one. Not enough information is out there portraying ED's as they truly are.. a deadly illness which can wreak havoc on your body. The images that young girls can get their hands on of skin and bones Anorexic's is frightening. Yes, it's out there, but the least we can do is portray ED's for what they really are so the truth about them is out there. Let's spread knowledge and truth.
ED.
Monday, January 11, 2016
On Myths.
One of the most frustrating aspects in talking about ED's with those who are not familiar with them are myths. I have heard, time and time again, many myths surrounding ED's. Part of my blog will be to shed some insight and knowledge on these myths. The first myth I will tackle is the belief that an ED is a choice.
No one, and I repeat NO ONE can choose to have an ED. And ED is not a choice. It is an illness stemming often from some combination of bioloical, psychological and social factors. In other words, an ED manifests as a result of underlying issues- some of which are beyond a person's control. Regardless of the cause, though, an ED differs from going on a drastic diet. Someone cannot simply decide they want to loose a lot of weight and just develop an ED.
The ED differs from a diet because it is a voice inside of your head. The ED voice constantly demands you to starve. It tells you if you mess up on the food restriction, that you are a failure. You can't turn it off like you can with a diet. The ED is in control and not you. It is a constant, exhausting battle in your head: your voice vs. that of the ED. Even if you intellectually know in your right mind that you should eat, the ED's voice is stronger and it will tell you that starving is the only answer. The ED voice will tell you that if you just listen to him, that everything will be okay.
But you cannot choose to have the ED. The ED comes out of the woodwork without warning. It isn't logical. It isn't pleasant. It is anything but pleasant. The ED poses as your best friend with your best intetests at heart, but really its intentions are to harm you. And it will do anything in its power to do so.
So if ever you hear someone talking about wanting to have an ED, do yourself and them a favor. Tell them that an ED is NOT a choice. That an ED is NOT something you want to have. That an ED is an illness and if you don't have one, you shouldn't choose to either.
ED. (Emma Demar)
No one, and I repeat NO ONE can choose to have an ED. And ED is not a choice. It is an illness stemming often from some combination of bioloical, psychological and social factors. In other words, an ED manifests as a result of underlying issues- some of which are beyond a person's control. Regardless of the cause, though, an ED differs from going on a drastic diet. Someone cannot simply decide they want to loose a lot of weight and just develop an ED.
The ED differs from a diet because it is a voice inside of your head. The ED voice constantly demands you to starve. It tells you if you mess up on the food restriction, that you are a failure. You can't turn it off like you can with a diet. The ED is in control and not you. It is a constant, exhausting battle in your head: your voice vs. that of the ED. Even if you intellectually know in your right mind that you should eat, the ED's voice is stronger and it will tell you that starving is the only answer. The ED voice will tell you that if you just listen to him, that everything will be okay.
But you cannot choose to have the ED. The ED comes out of the woodwork without warning. It isn't logical. It isn't pleasant. It is anything but pleasant. The ED poses as your best friend with your best intetests at heart, but really its intentions are to harm you. And it will do anything in its power to do so.
So if ever you hear someone talking about wanting to have an ED, do yourself and them a favor. Tell them that an ED is NOT a choice. That an ED is NOT something you want to have. That an ED is an illness and if you don't have one, you shouldn't choose to either.
ED. (Emma Demar)
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