"Invisible Illnesses"

Hi Ed Warriors!

I wanted to share that this awesome ED nonprofit organization, Invisible Illnesses, has shared my recovery story! Check out their page to see my story as well as a bunch of other really inspiring stories. Find the link below. Enjoy!

theinvisibleillnesses.org/emmas-story

ED.

Collab with Kristina.

Hey Guys!

I'm really excited to post my first collab up here on my blog. I also want to announce my new instagram account, @ed_on_eds which is directly related to this blog. On this instagram, I post bits and pieces of my own recovery story, share motivational quotes and things that have helped me in my recovery process. Please feel free to follow and share with anyone interested.

So, onto the collab. I follow this lovely girl, Kristina, on instagram and she shared with me that she is in the recovery process for her ED. We decided to go a collab because she has a blog too, in which we each asked one another questions. Since I consider myself recovered and Kristina is earlier on in the recovery process, I asked her what it was like for her to be at her phase and she asked me what it was like now that I consider myself recovered.

Please feel free to check out my answers to Kristina's questions. Her blog can be found at her instagram, @kristinamessina. Below, here are Kristina's answers. Enjoy!

1.What do you find the most challenging part of recovery? The most rewarding?

I wish there was just one answer, but there are SO many rough parts that this would probably turn into an essay! I think one of the hardest things for me is keeping up my motivation. Motivation to recover can sway and I think everyone in recovery has experienced that. I have a tendency to wallow in it. I become stagnant in that half way zone, where I want to recover but also am comfortable where I am. Another challenging part is staying positive when sometimes all I see is the negative. Again, once I'm in that negative head space I sit in my own shit and think that it will just pass. Sometimes it does, but other times it doesn't. I've had to work in changing my mindset and combating each negative thought with a positive one. It's exhausting!

I think the best thing I have seen when I've been in really great places is just this overall sense of freedom. I feel like I did when I was a kid, not worried about what I'm eating or when or with who. I'm nourishing my body and that's it, food is just food. Also, I find my personality and relationships suffer when I'm deep within my eating disorder. So just seeing my true self come out and just having that overall human connection is so rewarding. 

2. In a typical day, what type of eating disorder related thoughts do you have?

It really depends on the place that I'm in. I've been in that place where I have that  overall sense of freedom that I was talking about, where I'm feeling pretty okay with life. I'll get a thought here and there but I don't spend my time focusing on it. I've also been in a place where I'm hesitant with the amount of food I'm eating and the eating disorder tells me that I need to lose weight, that I'm unworthy and a failure. Usually I'm more stressed out and feeling unable to cope with what life is throwing at me. It ranges every day to every week between those two places, I'm still actively telling myself that I am enough without this eating disorder.

3. What tactics do you use to try and suppress the ED urges?

A certain "thing" that has helped me tremendously is something so simple one of my wonderful therapists had brought to the table. I think the more simple, the easier it is to grasp onto and to go to more automatically. She told me each day to "find my why." One thing that day why I'm choosing recovery, usually I do more short term goals. Such as, "I have a lot to do today, I know if I use a behaviors I won't have the energy to do said thing." Or, sometimes I tell myself I don't want to feel like shit. This simple tool has just reminded me of the goals that I want to succeed at for myself.

4. What are you most proud of in your recovery?

Lately, it's been hard to be proud of myself since I have backslid recently. But looking back, I've come a long long way in the past year. I think I'm most proud of never giving up on trying to recover, despite many relapses and treatment. I'm very proud of myself for not using a behavior that I've used for 4+ years, even though I'm still working on the others. Also that I've been more vocal about eating disorders and my struggle with others, it has kept me accountable to strengthen my recovery. 

5. What are your recovery goals?

I have a few, one being to continue being insightful with why I use behaviors but to stop them more frequently from happening. I find myself being knowledgeable of the why and when I use a behavior but I don't try and stop it beforehand, I wait for damage control to show up afterwards. Another one is to be less stubborn with accepting and feeling worthy of help, that's a tough one because I have a lot of core beliefs linked to that but I hope to change that. Lastly, to be honest with myself with where I'm at and not to be so hard on myself. I find that I don't give myself and credit for the work I've done and continue to do. Something my dietitian has told me, slips don't mean relapses. Just because you mess up, doesn't mean it will definitely turn into a relapse. You or I can stop it before it gets there. 

I hope you enjoyed this collab, and if you are interested in collab-ing with me on a project, do feel free to reach out at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.

ED. 

Relearning How To Eat.

Hey Guys!

Hope everyone is having a relaxing snow day. Although I'm not a fan of the cold, it's always nice to be cozy, light some candles, read a good book, and relax with the one you love :)

Today, I want to talk about relearning how to eat. What happens after you recover from an Eating Disorder? When one goes through the process of starvation and believing that food is the enemy, you can imagine it becomes incredibly difficult to begin to learn how to regain a healthy relationship with food. I've often heard people say that you never fully recover from an Eating Disorder, and that part of it always stays with you. I'm in the school of thought that you can fully recover if you retrain your mind in the right way.

So how do you do it? For me, as I was recovering, I tried to remind myself how I once thought of food as a child. As a little kid, you're not thinking (probably) about calories. You're thinking that food is just good and you want to eat it. That's part of the mindset. Food IS good! It's there to be enjoyed, and that's why it tastes good. So, when relearning how to eat, it's important to try and go back into that mindset you had as a child when it comes to food in the sense that you must think about food as a friend and not an enemy, or something to be feared.

Another aspect of this mindset shift of recovery is remembering all of the amazing benefits of food. Food provides the nutrients that we need to survive and flourish. Recovery can look like many things for different people. Some people go to the other end of the spectrum (for example, from starving to binging), which isn't helpful. The idea is not to go to the other extreme, but to find that perfect middle ground that works for you. It's about listening to your body which you've been denying for so long and figuring out which way of eating makes sense for YOU. It's not about your friend being vegan and so that automatically means that that's the way to do things, or your other friends starving all day and only pigging out on unhealthy foods when they do eat. It's not about looking to the side but about looking within and figuring out what it is YOU need. Your body is not the same as anyone else's so you can't look at other people's diets as the perfect template for yourself.

I hope you've found this helpful! If you have any further questions or topic suggestions for the blog, please feel free to e-mail me at emmaddemar@gmail.com. Also, follow me on insta at: @emmadayledemar and subscribe to my edoneds youtube channel for exciting videos!

ED.

New Video on Bullying.

Hey Guys!!

I've uploaded a new youtube video to my edoneds youtube channel. It's on bullying as it pertains to Eating Disorders. Check it out and give it a "like" and subscribe!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6bbmuXq8-Q

Thanks!

ED.

MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL!!!!

Hey Guys!!

As I've been saying, I'm starting a youtube channel in affiliation with my blog. Here's the link to the first video!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ng60Y8G2GIg

Please check it out and, if you like it, give it a thumbs up and subscribe! More videos to come!

ED.

On Eugenia Cooney.

Hey Guys,

So today I wanted to write a post on a pretty controversial and sensitive topic, but one I feel is very important to discuss for us here in this community. I want to start writing about current events within the Eating Disorder community as I feel it is essential to keep up with the latest events to get a full understanding of the reality of ED's in our world today. That said, I'm going to talk about Eugenia Cooney.

Before I begin, I'd like to express that I think Eugenia is great. This is in no way sending her hate, because I think she is a very kind person as far as it seems on her youtube. For those who do not know Eugenia, she is a very well-known you-tuber who is also extremely emaciated. I've been following Eugenia's story for quite some time now, and it seems to have worsened as of late. The purpose of this post is not to diagnose Eugenia, but for me to add my perspective to the growing conversation on the issue.

Yes, I personally believe that Eugenia has Anorexia. But I also have not seen her or spoken to her, and I do not know whether she may have a different medical illness. That's not the point, though. It's clear that she is malnourished and is not at a "healthy" weight just from looking at her. The frustration for me, and I'm sure for many others, lies in the fact that Eugenia will not offer ANY sort of explanation to her viewers about what is going on. Eugenia's stance is that everything is fine and that she thinks it's weird that people are sending her hate. But, Eugenia, you have decided to put yourself on the internet and moreover to put your body in front of the camera (and sometimes just in shorts and a tank top) for the world to see. It is harmful to do this and to not provide an explanation for your extremely skeletal figure.

Eugenia often says "I'm not trying to do anything wrong." That's not the point, Eugenia. You don't have to be trying, but in essence you are being harmful to your viewers by acting like everything is okay when it clearly isn't. Young girls are going to try and emulate you, because they look up to you, and when they hear you acting like everything is fine, they will think it is perfectly fine and healthy to look the way you do. You are not being a good example by not saying anything. If you have a medical condition other than an ED, then by now you should at least touch upon it. I disagree with others saying you should put your blood tests and medical charts online, because of course that is invasive. But to just touch upon it would really calm your viewers down and offer a clear insight, and I know you always say, Eugenia, that you want the conversation about this issue to die down.

For me, this isn't just about Eugenia, though. It's about girls like her. Girls on social media that are clearly skeletal but do not explain anything about what is going on. You can't decide to put your world on the internet and then leave one whole aspect of your life that is so obvious to your viewers out and then expect no one to say anything about it. Eugenia acting surprised about this is what gets on my nerves and I'm sure on many others nerves. At the end of the day, we just want to know Eugenia is getting help. We want her to be real. Especially if she says she is being honest in sharing her life with her viewers.

So before you guys go to Eugenia's profile and start writing comments about how she should eat a burger, remember the real issue here. Eugenia is sick, whether she admits it or not, whether from an ED or another medical illness. She needs to get help, and she needs to get real with herself and her viewers. Only Eugenia can decide to do this. But if she's not going to be real about it, we can, and we can talk about the real issues here. And it starts with awareness and being honest with one another, especially if we are putting our lives out there for the world to see. Spread positivity, awareness, and BE REAL.

ED.

On Attention.

Hey Guys,

Long time since I've posted, I know. As we know, it was summer, and while I did intend to keep up this blog throughout the summer, that just did not happen. But here I am again, and I am back to writing weekly posts for this blog which I love so much. I also did not forget about the videos. I was having a little trouble posting them, but I am going to give the videos another shot as I think they really will add a great personalized component to the blog.

Anyway, today's topic is going to be on "attention." I hear oftentimes people thinking that Eating Disorders are about the sufferers just trying to gain attention (from parents, loved ones, friends, etc). Very false, at least for many people. Yes, an outcome of Eating Disorders IS often extra attention as the person needs to be taken care of and given extra help and guidance. But it is not fair to generalize this idea that people with ED's have their disorders to get attention. This is like saying that ED's are a choice, which they are not. If people wanted attention, they could get crazy body piercings or tattoos, for example. Those things would be a conscious choice to gain attention. But, as we know, an ED is a biological, psychological and social disease that is ingrained in one's mind while they have it, and it is NOT a choice. Just like having any other health disease is not a choice.

Actually, oftentimes, sufferers of ED's do NOT want attention. Rather, they've lost faith in their worlds and they feel lost, and with their ED's they are retreating into themselves and hiding from their world (which they view as out of control and scary). They're not looking for people to run to them and force feed them, believe me. They really don't want anyone to know much about their illness at all because their illness is their secret weapon with which to fight their battles. They don't want others to know they have this thing, what they believe to be an ally, because then others will know their secret and they may try to take it away from them. That's part of being "sick" with the disorder.

I'm not saying that no one with ED's want attention. Some do. Some want to be taken care of, and that is a result of their ED. But that's just it. It's a result, not a cause. People do not just decide that they just want more attention so they will get an ED. They may restrict or diet for a while to gain attention, but they cannot develop a full blown ED out of a conscious choice to get other people to pay more attention to them. They may subconsciously want this attention, but the ED stems from a myriad of biopsychosocial issues, and if ONE of those happens to be wanting more attention, well this may occur when they develop the disorder. But this is not THE cause, or the sole reason one has an ED. It is just something that was on their radar of things they desired, and the ED happened to make that thing happen for them. In, of course, a very unhealthy way.

My advice is, the next time someone says "so-and-so just has an ED because they want attention," tell them that they should read up a little bit about the disorder because no one can chose to get an ED for attention. Let's spread awareness. Let's spread truth.

ED.