On Scales.

When you have an Eating Disorder, the scale is everything. The scale becomes your best friend and your worst enemy, dictating exactly how you're going to feel that day based on the number it displays. Since an Eating Disorder is often so much about control, the scale itself allows the person suffering to feel some sense of control because they can SEE their progress. They can SEE what they are controlling, or their weight.

For someone with an ED, the scale is usually a daily part of their life. It is oftentimes used multiple times a day. Sometimes, it's used a few times in a row, as though you don't fully trust the number you saw the first time. If the number increases or stays the same, your whole day is shot. You feel miserable, defeated, and like a complete failure. The ED voice screams in your ear that you messed up and that now you really cannot eat anything at all for as long as possible. If, however, you've lost weight, yes, there is some relief for the person. However, for ED it is never good enough. In fact, ED will see that number and say, "Okay, good! You made it this far, now lose more!" It's just a never-ending cycle.

I remember when I was suffering, the scale was an integral part to my daily routine. I'd weigh myself first thing in the morning to know where I was at, and then most often again at the end of the day. I never wanted to see the scale even at the same number. I only wanted to lose weight. I wasn't thinking logically about what I was doing or the fact that I should be gaining weight, not losing. That didn't even occur to me because ED's voice was always overpowering mine, telling me what it wanted me to hear. ED loved the scale, because the scale showed him whether I was doing a good job following his starvation plan for me. ED loved the scale because it controlled me, and that was all he wanted to do.

Since recovering from my ED, I have said good bye to any and all scales. I do not even remember the last time I've used the scale (only at doctor's appointments). Saying good bye to the scale is a very integral part to recovery, and one I encourage everyone to do who is suffering when they feel the time is right. It's such a relief to just let go of the numbers and that false sense of control by ED. It's such a relief to not have your day be dictated by a number on a scale. Recovery allows for such relief.

ED.