Only you can decide to recover. You're in charge of your recovery. These statements were probably the most valuable ones I learned throughout my own recovery. These statements can be scary but they are also incredibly empowering if you think about it. YOU can decide to recover and you are in charge of that process when it all comes down to it.
I learned through my stay in inpatient and also my outpatient treatment that no professional is going to automatically be able to make you recover. Yes, they can give you valuable information. They can help you work through the underlying causes that led to your disorder in the first place. They can give you food and make your weight increase on the scale. But even if your number is increasing and you know intellectually all the answers, you're only going to get better when you yourself are truly ready to do so.
These concepts are important for people entering treatment and also for their families. Treatment is great, of course, but it is just a step in the process.. in the long road to recovery. It is not the end all be all. Through my treatment, yes, I was forced to eat and I spoke about the underlying causes of my disorder and perhaps gained some clarity, but as soon as I got out I was left to my own devices again and since I was so accustomed to starvation.. I continued to do this until I was truly ready to overcome the illness. Thus, after I got out of inpatient, there was still about a year where I was in recovery. Treatment wasn't a magical, overnight solution. And it's important to know this and to have that realistic mentality so that you do not set yourself up for failure. Recovery is a long journey no matter what, as it should be. It takes a long time to get into an actual disorder (doesn't just happen overnight), so it's not going to just be a snap of the fingers to get out of it.
So yes, I do advocate for treatment if you are suffering. But I advocate for treatment when you are ready and have a realistic mindset that it is going to be a lot of work and a step in the process. Remember: only you can decide to recover. You're in charge of your recovery.
ED.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
On Scales.
When you have an Eating Disorder, the scale is everything. The scale becomes your best friend and your worst enemy, dictating exactly how you're going to feel that day based on the number it displays. Since an Eating Disorder is often so much about control, the scale itself allows the person suffering to feel some sense of control because they can SEE their progress. They can SEE what they are controlling, or their weight.
For someone with an ED, the scale is usually a daily part of their life. It is oftentimes used multiple times a day. Sometimes, it's used a few times in a row, as though you don't fully trust the number you saw the first time. If the number increases or stays the same, your whole day is shot. You feel miserable, defeated, and like a complete failure. The ED voice screams in your ear that you messed up and that now you really cannot eat anything at all for as long as possible. If, however, you've lost weight, yes, there is some relief for the person. However, for ED it is never good enough. In fact, ED will see that number and say, "Okay, good! You made it this far, now lose more!" It's just a never-ending cycle.
I remember when I was suffering, the scale was an integral part to my daily routine. I'd weigh myself first thing in the morning to know where I was at, and then most often again at the end of the day. I never wanted to see the scale even at the same number. I only wanted to lose weight. I wasn't thinking logically about what I was doing or the fact that I should be gaining weight, not losing. That didn't even occur to me because ED's voice was always overpowering mine, telling me what it wanted me to hear. ED loved the scale, because the scale showed him whether I was doing a good job following his starvation plan for me. ED loved the scale because it controlled me, and that was all he wanted to do.
Since recovering from my ED, I have said good bye to any and all scales. I do not even remember the last time I've used the scale (only at doctor's appointments). Saying good bye to the scale is a very integral part to recovery, and one I encourage everyone to do who is suffering when they feel the time is right. It's such a relief to just let go of the numbers and that false sense of control by ED. It's such a relief to not have your day be dictated by a number on a scale. Recovery allows for such relief.
ED.
For someone with an ED, the scale is usually a daily part of their life. It is oftentimes used multiple times a day. Sometimes, it's used a few times in a row, as though you don't fully trust the number you saw the first time. If the number increases or stays the same, your whole day is shot. You feel miserable, defeated, and like a complete failure. The ED voice screams in your ear that you messed up and that now you really cannot eat anything at all for as long as possible. If, however, you've lost weight, yes, there is some relief for the person. However, for ED it is never good enough. In fact, ED will see that number and say, "Okay, good! You made it this far, now lose more!" It's just a never-ending cycle.
I remember when I was suffering, the scale was an integral part to my daily routine. I'd weigh myself first thing in the morning to know where I was at, and then most often again at the end of the day. I never wanted to see the scale even at the same number. I only wanted to lose weight. I wasn't thinking logically about what I was doing or the fact that I should be gaining weight, not losing. That didn't even occur to me because ED's voice was always overpowering mine, telling me what it wanted me to hear. ED loved the scale, because the scale showed him whether I was doing a good job following his starvation plan for me. ED loved the scale because it controlled me, and that was all he wanted to do.
Since recovering from my ED, I have said good bye to any and all scales. I do not even remember the last time I've used the scale (only at doctor's appointments). Saying good bye to the scale is a very integral part to recovery, and one I encourage everyone to do who is suffering when they feel the time is right. It's such a relief to just let go of the numbers and that false sense of control by ED. It's such a relief to not have your day be dictated by a number on a scale. Recovery allows for such relief.
ED.
Monday, February 8, 2016
About The Author: Emma Demar.
Hi everyone!
Welcome to my blog! My name is Emma Demar, and yes, I have the same initials as "Eating Disorder," hence edoneds. I am currently pursuing my Masters in Clinical Social Work, and will receive my degree in May 2017. I eventually want to have a private practice and specialize as a therapist in Eating Disorders.
My passion and knowledge about Eating Disorders stems from the fact that I myself had and recovered from Anorexia Nervosa. I was diagnosed with the disorder at age sixteen, and battled with the illness for a couple of years before recovering between ages eighteen and nineteen. Throughout my battle, my treatment (both outpatient and inpatient), individual therapy and reading up and watching anything I could get my hands on about Eating Disorders, I've worked up my own base of knowledge on the topic. With this blog, I wish to spread valuable information and awareness on the topic. My mission is to be a voice of reality from someone who has first-hand battled and recovered from an Eating Disorder, to raise awareness about the the truths and myths surrounding ED's, to inspire those struggling to recover by offering my own advice on recovery, and to offer insights and support for family and friends of ED sufferers.
I welcome and encourage thoughts, questions or comments. My e-mail address is emmaddemar@gmail.com and my instagram (on which I promote my blog) is: @emmadayledemar. I also have a Facebook page for my blog which can be found by typing in "edoneds" to the FB search bar.
Thank you and please share with anyone who may be interested!
ED.
On An Average Day.
For someone struggling with an ED, an average day is just plain exhausting. Yes, exhausting would be a very accurate word to describe it. Picture having, from the very moment you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night (and even after that until you fall asleep) a constant voice in your mind overpowering all of your other thoughts tearing you down and ordering you to follow his strict rules. Everything is mapped out according to ED's plan. If you even think about disobeying his orders, he will berate you and make you feel like scum. He is constantly whispering in your ear even when you try to forget about him for a moment. He'll be there at the most inconvenient times, like when you're doing a presentation or taking a test at school. He'll be reminding you of what you ate and what you should therefore feel guilty about or telling you how much you need to restrict and/or exercise later. He'll be reminding you of any parts of your body he thinks are too "big" and that need to get smaller.
For someone struggling with an ED, they are there but they are not really there. You may be having a conversation with them and they may appear to be able to hold up the conversation, but all the while their minds are a record player with ED's voice and the ED thoughts. They are very smart people. But their mind is consumed by ED. They may have a vacant look in their eyes, as though they're gazing at something far away. At these times, ED is most certainly talking to them, voicing his thoughts and opinions loud and clear. It's frustrating and it's tragic but you're not even thinking about that because you are just at ED's disposal and you aren't even thinking for yourself anymore. Your thoughts have been replaced by his. You've lost yourself.
For someone struggling with an ED, they'll go to great lengths to hide their disorder from the world. Under sweatpants and baggy clothes they'll starve yet outwardly act as though they are "okay." They don't necessarily want to be helped because ED's telling them that if they stop listening to him that they will be failures. They think they're playing it safe by listening to ED because he makes them feel that they are winning if they are listening to him. Yet another irony of ED's. They are at great risk if they are listening to ED, but they think they are safe. They are manipulated to think they are safe. For someone struggling with an ED, they become the ED and the ED becomes them. That's an average day.
ED.
For someone struggling with an ED, they are there but they are not really there. You may be having a conversation with them and they may appear to be able to hold up the conversation, but all the while their minds are a record player with ED's voice and the ED thoughts. They are very smart people. But their mind is consumed by ED. They may have a vacant look in their eyes, as though they're gazing at something far away. At these times, ED is most certainly talking to them, voicing his thoughts and opinions loud and clear. It's frustrating and it's tragic but you're not even thinking about that because you are just at ED's disposal and you aren't even thinking for yourself anymore. Your thoughts have been replaced by his. You've lost yourself.
For someone struggling with an ED, they'll go to great lengths to hide their disorder from the world. Under sweatpants and baggy clothes they'll starve yet outwardly act as though they are "okay." They don't necessarily want to be helped because ED's telling them that if they stop listening to him that they will be failures. They think they're playing it safe by listening to ED because he makes them feel that they are winning if they are listening to him. Yet another irony of ED's. They are at great risk if they are listening to ED, but they think they are safe. They are manipulated to think they are safe. For someone struggling with an ED, they become the ED and the ED becomes them. That's an average day.
ED.
Monday, February 1, 2016
On Triggers.
If you are not studying addiction, or have never suffered from addiction yourself, you may not know about "triggers." Triggers, in my own words, are certain situations, people, or places that make you, for whatever reason, want to be active in your addiction. For example, a certain place may remind you of a time when you were once really struggling with your addiction, and so if you ever re-visit that place, you may find yourself with the overwhelming urge to go back to your illness, or to use your addictive behaviors.
In treatment for addiction, you address your triggers and understand exactly what they are. You aim to learn how to healthfully deal with these triggers when you come across them, which you are bound to do in your life. For me, there were definitely certain people and situations that were triggering to my illness when I was suffering. In my recovery, I learned to healthfully process these situations when I came across them and how to cope with them in a positive way rather than starving myself.
Often, triggers for those suffering from Eating Disorders may include people who are often talking about or trying to diet, people who seem to also be trying to lose a bunch of weight and are trying to compete with them, people who have criticized you in some way or threatened your self-esteem, and others. Situations that may be commonly be triggering for someone suffering with an ED may be events where they feel they will need to look their best, certain social situations, or difficult emotional situations. The ways in which one who has an ED copes with these situations is usually to numb themselves of any feeling whatsoever, which they acheive through using their ED behaviors (i.e. starving for Anorexics, purging for Bulimics, binging for over-eaters, etc).
That all said, it is very important for anyone recovering or trying to recover from an ED to identify what your triggers are. Make a list of these triggers and write about them each specifically. Write about why they trigger you, when they come up, how they make you feel, and what ways that you do cope with them currently. Then, write about how you could healthfully cope with these situations. Talking to a good friend or family member could be a positive coping skill, for example. Journaling is another very good coping skill. You just need to find what works for you.
For anyone who would like updates on my new posts, please "like" and follow my FB page for my blog: edoneds (just type it into the search bar and it will come up). Also, you can find me on instagram at: @emmadayledemar. I can be rewched by e-mail for comments or questions at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.
ED.
In treatment for addiction, you address your triggers and understand exactly what they are. You aim to learn how to healthfully deal with these triggers when you come across them, which you are bound to do in your life. For me, there were definitely certain people and situations that were triggering to my illness when I was suffering. In my recovery, I learned to healthfully process these situations when I came across them and how to cope with them in a positive way rather than starving myself.
Often, triggers for those suffering from Eating Disorders may include people who are often talking about or trying to diet, people who seem to also be trying to lose a bunch of weight and are trying to compete with them, people who have criticized you in some way or threatened your self-esteem, and others. Situations that may be commonly be triggering for someone suffering with an ED may be events where they feel they will need to look their best, certain social situations, or difficult emotional situations. The ways in which one who has an ED copes with these situations is usually to numb themselves of any feeling whatsoever, which they acheive through using their ED behaviors (i.e. starving for Anorexics, purging for Bulimics, binging for over-eaters, etc).
That all said, it is very important for anyone recovering or trying to recover from an ED to identify what your triggers are. Make a list of these triggers and write about them each specifically. Write about why they trigger you, when they come up, how they make you feel, and what ways that you do cope with them currently. Then, write about how you could healthfully cope with these situations. Talking to a good friend or family member could be a positive coping skill, for example. Journaling is another very good coping skill. You just need to find what works for you.
For anyone who would like updates on my new posts, please "like" and follow my FB page for my blog: edoneds (just type it into the search bar and it will come up). Also, you can find me on instagram at: @emmadayledemar. I can be rewched by e-mail for comments or questions at: emmaddemar@gmail.com.
ED.
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