On Attention.

Hey Guys,

Long time since I've posted, I know. As we know, it was summer, and while I did intend to keep up this blog throughout the summer, that just did not happen. But here I am again, and I am back to writing weekly posts for this blog which I love so much. I also did not forget about the videos. I was having a little trouble posting them, but I am going to give the videos another shot as I think they really will add a great personalized component to the blog.

Anyway, today's topic is going to be on "attention." I hear oftentimes people thinking that Eating Disorders are about the sufferers just trying to gain attention (from parents, loved ones, friends, etc). Very false, at least for many people. Yes, an outcome of Eating Disorders IS often extra attention as the person needs to be taken care of and given extra help and guidance. But it is not fair to generalize this idea that people with ED's have their disorders to get attention. This is like saying that ED's are a choice, which they are not. If people wanted attention, they could get crazy body piercings or tattoos, for example. Those things would be a conscious choice to gain attention. But, as we know, an ED is a biological, psychological and social disease that is ingrained in one's mind while they have it, and it is NOT a choice. Just like having any other health disease is not a choice.

Actually, oftentimes, sufferers of ED's do NOT want attention. Rather, they've lost faith in their worlds and they feel lost, and with their ED's they are retreating into themselves and hiding from their world (which they view as out of control and scary). They're not looking for people to run to them and force feed them, believe me. They really don't want anyone to know much about their illness at all because their illness is their secret weapon with which to fight their battles. They don't want others to know they have this thing, what they believe to be an ally, because then others will know their secret and they may try to take it away from them. That's part of being "sick" with the disorder.

I'm not saying that no one with ED's want attention. Some do. Some want to be taken care of, and that is a result of their ED. But that's just it. It's a result, not a cause. People do not just decide that they just want more attention so they will get an ED. They may restrict or diet for a while to gain attention, but they cannot develop a full blown ED out of a conscious choice to get other people to pay more attention to them. They may subconsciously want this attention, but the ED stems from a myriad of biopsychosocial issues, and if ONE of those happens to be wanting more attention, well this may occur when they develop the disorder. But this is not THE cause, or the sole reason one has an ED. It is just something that was on their radar of things they desired, and the ED happened to make that thing happen for them. In, of course, a very unhealthy way.

My advice is, the next time someone says "so-and-so just has an ED because they want attention," tell them that they should read up a little bit about the disorder because no one can chose to get an ED for attention. Let's spread awareness. Let's spread truth.

ED.

My First Video for my blog!

Hey Guys!

I wanted to start making a video component for my blog as I feel that it will make what I'm saying much more accessible and personable to the viewers.. you all! So please enjoy the video, and look forward to many more videos that I'll be making! I'm also going to start a youtube channel in correlation with my blog that will have the same videos uploaded to that, so please look it up at "edoneds" and subscribe!

My social media links are:

Insta: @emmadayledemar
FB Page: edoneds (Please give it a "like"!)
E-mail: emmaddemar@gmail.com

I'd love topic suggestions you have for the videos, so please feel free to e-mail them to me!

ED.

On: NEDA Website

Hey all!

Some exciting news! NEDA's website (National Eating Disorders Association) has a part about featured stories on hope and they've posted mine! Please feel free to check it out on the NEDA website at nationaleatingdisorders.org under "featured stories of hope." You can then search for my story under my name "Emma Demar."

ED

On Body Dismorphia.

For this post, I asked a friend what she would be interested in reading on this blog. I wondered what she wanted to know about ED's as someone who has never had one. She said she wanted to understand the concept of body dismorphia and how some people with an ED think that they are "fat," while others might not. She wondered if an ED was, for anyone suffering, something in your head or if it was more of a conscious choice to be thinner.

My answer to this begins with the fact that an ED, as I've said, is never a choice. It is a disease for anyone who develops one, and thus it is something that is in your head. It is not conscious. In terms of the body dismorphia component, not all people with an ED see something different in the mirror than what others see. Body dismorphia is exactly that- when you yourself see your body as different then it actually is in reality. While many sufferers from ED's do have body dismorphia, not all sufferers do. Many do understand what they actually look like. But an ED is not just about weight or about food or about what you look like anyway. It's about the underlying causes, so it really does not matter how you see yourself necessarily in terms of weight.

The body dismorphia, also, is not necessarily a CAUSE of an ED. It can be a result. Meaning, someone might develop an ED for the various reasons that one does, and then during the ED may start to feel that they just aren't thin enough because of those underlying causes. Control is one cause. They may feel out of control which can be one reason why they developed the ED, and then the effect of that is that while they are losing weight they may think that the process is not fast enough and they then feel out of control, thus causing them to experience body dismorphia as they SEE how they FEEL (out of control, or bigger than they are). The reflection in the mirror becomes a representation of how they see themselves on the inside, which is why they may see something that is not there.

Through recovery, as one becomes in touch with themselves again and regains the self-love that they need to have, the image that they see in the mirror starts to reflect that inner positivity. Their minds are more clear and concise as they are now feeding their body so they can better see what is accurately in front of them. Again, not everyone with an ED has body dismorphia. And an ED is never a choice. But recovery is. And I encourage anyone and everyone suffering to choose recovery.

ED.

On Finding Purpose.

An ED is often the result of one's need to find an overarching goal, or purpose, for one's life. A person who develops an ED may feel lost and confused about the greater meaning of life. They are often over-achievers and goal-oriented, and always want to be working towards something. Something concrete. The ED gives the person just that, a concrete goal in numbers.. the goal to lose as much weight as quickly as possible and to count calories and over-exercise and do whatever it may be to meet that goal. Suddenly, the person feels as though they have a purpose. Their purpose is to starve, to lose weight, to control their intake.

Part of recovery, then, becomes a process of redirecting. Oftentimes, people who develop ED's have high energy, and like I said, are always moving towards a goal. Thus, in recovery, the person needs to redirect their focus and goal from controlling their weight to positively controlling something else in their lives (i.e. applying for a job they really want, pursuing a hobby they are incredibly passionate about, etc). This redirection is extremely difficult, of course, because the person is so entrenched in their ED and that is all they know. To redirect that focus is to relearn everything they know about how they've organized their lives and coped with everything. Yet this refocusing is possible, and as time goes on, it gets easier and easier. The person learns new behaviors and can develop a newfound love in another aspect of their lives, other than weight control.

What the struggler of the ED needs to learn is to find purpose. Find ANOTHER purpose other than their ED, something that makes them want to live life to its very fullest (and not just passively on the sidelines). I believe that any strong treatment plan for someone struggling is to help the individual identify what it is in their life that they can refocus on, or a positive addition to their life that they can integrate and replace the ED with. When one recovers from an ED they don't know what to turn to. They feel empty. With a redirection and another huge goal for themselves, they will no longer feel that sense of confusion and unrest. They will have a beautiful landscape of goals ahead of them to work towards. That's the beauty of recovery.

ED.

On "Going Hungry"

As promised on instagram (if you don't already follow me, my handle is: @emmadayledemar), I'm going to be writing a reaction to the book "Going Hungry," edited by Kate Taylor. This book is comprised of a number of short vignettes by different authors about their own struggles with ED's, namely Anorexia but also Bulimia and Binge Eating Disorder. I'll start off by saying that I highly recommend this book to anyone who has underwent and recovered (or are still recovering from) an ED, to friends and family of a sufferer or just anyone who wants to learn more about the topic. 

Since the book is comprised of a bunch of different individual stories, you are able to see a variety of takes and perspectives on ED's from people who lived it. The author's were mostly women, but there were a few men, and they all ranged in backgrounds and ethnicities. although there were common threads throughout the book, each story was unique and shined a light on a different aspect of ED's. The idea is that there are a plethora of reasons that one can develop an ED, but at the same time, there are many common factors among people who develop the disorder. 

One of these common factors that was highlighted throughout the book was the idea of wanting to have a defined identity. Many people who develop an ED want to stand out from the crowd in a significant way, and thus they look towards something they can control that will guarantee they are different in some way.. I.e. starving themselves and losing a bunch of weight for an Anorexic. The underlying factor here is that the person feels lost in some sense, and they want something to hold on to, some form of solidarity. They want to know and feel that they have something that others do not or cannot have (like the fact that they have trained themselves to not need food.. An essential aspect of anyone's daily life). They are looking for something to make them feel unique and special, because somehow they've overlooked their other plethora of talents and successes and put that extra pressure on themselves to "achieve" even more (or controlling their weight, which they view as an achievement).

Another aspect of the book I loved was that not only did it discuss in depth how and why one might develop an ED, but what the experience of recovery is like. In other words, the book does a great job of showing that recovery can look different on any one person. For some, and for many, their brains recover at a faster rate than their bodies.. As in, they know intellectually that they want to get better and have done the ground work.. But they still have a very challenging time breaking their old habits and letting go of the behavioral aspects of the disorder (starving, over-exercising, whatever that may be). I think that the book does a wonderful job of providing a very realistic view of recovery. That recovery is a journey. That it doesn't happen overnight. That it may include various setbacks. 

But time and time again in the story, you can see that every author did recover and are here to tell their stories. And what an inspiration that is. If you haven't read this book and you are interested, definitely do. It's a page-turner for sure!

ED

On Identity.

Part of the reason why it is so difficult to recover from an eating disorder is because the disorder becomes a part of your identity. In fact, the disorder becomes you're whole identity and it is how you define yourself. For someone who has an ED, part of the reason they develop the disorder in the first place is because they are lost. They have lost themselves, they feel that they have no control, and they do not know which way to turn. They need something to grasp onto, they need something to define themselves by. They've experienced loss or abandonment or some sort of pain or uncertainty and they need clarity. They need a constant.

The ED becomes a best friend, but also a source of certainty. Again, another irony of ED's. Of course, ED's are extremely uncertain because they are putting you at a complete danger zone and are making you in fact lose control of your life. But the FEELING you are getting from the ED is that you have something that is constant. You have something in your back pocket that you can always turn to when times are tough. You have something that can fill any void. If you're in pain, you can starve. You can numb yourself.

Your identity becomes your ED slowly but surely. It's all you think about all day. You are defined by it because you had been searching for that thing that no one else could take away from you. That no one else can touch. No one else can fully understand. You feel special in an odd way because the ED makes you feel powerful. You feel like you have accomplished something by functioning on very little fuel, something not many can do.

You don't want anyone to take the ED away from you because it is YOURS. It is you, and without it, what are you? You've lived this lifestyle for however long and it is deeply ingrained into your being. Without it, you must find new ways to cope. Without it, you must find other sources of stability. Without it, you must find the strength within yourself to overcome difficult times without hurting yourself. Without the ED, you know it's going to be difficult work. Which is what makes it so challenging to recover.

Part of recovery from an ED is finding your identity again. It's re-learning who you are and what makes you unique and special. It's learning about your strengths and learning how to work with your weaknesses and not allow your weaknesses to work against you. It's being okay with not living in an area of extremes, or the starvation. It's being okay with taking care of yourself and actually being happy with it. It is finding yourself. Re-learning yourself. Learning self-love. Controlling your life in HEALTHY way.

ED.